C'est Moi

1. una, i can only do so much as a teacher in terms of planning the course syllabus and reminding students to do their duty which is to read handouts given to them (such as their syllabus and other course readings) or come to class on time. when people decide, en masse, to boycott the class because it's the last day of the semester before the holidays, something in me dies. but seeing the faces of students who deigned to fulfill their duty, seeing their eyes light up after we've sat together (oh the bliss of not having to be standing for an hour! the performer in me has gone away) poring over the beautiful lines of janis ian's song, then i know the time was well spent NOT getting upset over the absence of the majority. sabi nga sa isang parable sa bible, there will be rejoicing in heaven when even just one sinner repents. in my context, there is much to be thankful for and to rejoice over when even just one student out of 29 shows up and being the shy, reticent type, summons the courage to speak up at last. and what joy to listen to him sharing about his life. a teacher's life is not unlike a farmer's during planting and harvesting times. you plant in the heat of the sun, toiling without knowing the outcome, and when the harvest is full, even from just one plant, the heart brims over uncontrollably.
2. pangalawa, anong magagawa ko kung ang isang kaibigan ay ayaw kang kausapin dahil takot siya sa iisipin ng iba? hindi ba nakadidismaya? i've known this guy since 1991. my best friend for nearly a decade. someone who knows me beyond space and time. oh well. ganyan talaga. nalungkot ako sa pagtrato mo sa akin a few days ago only because i felt that such reactions and behaviour are no longer appropriate or apt for our present circumstances. friendship can span space and time. it doesn't always have to be about paranoia and troublesome angst. it can be light, stress-free, and relaxing. i've reconnected with so many people over the years and hardly any of those reunions were messy or ugly. at least most of the time. like 99.9% of the time. anyway, to overcome my melancholy, i decided na lang to make happiness out of a potentially depressing incident. (double whammy kasi yon e, sushi and dodo, ang saklap ninyo) i told myself, "i'll go about my day without factoring you into it at all." and lo and behold, the angels known as my sons poured joy into my heart and love along my path, and quality time with them was ne'er sweeter. time with new friends later in the day were gentle reminders that time waits for no one and letting go, though painful, is still the best way to zen.

i'm learning and re-learning things in my new philippine adventure. i have reconnected with prayer, with a saviour who has never abandoned me even when others seemingly did. so much grace in life and such abundance!

may your advent be a time of pain-filled longing for what truly matters in life: grace, respect, integrity, honour, and love.

advanced merry christmas to you all --- and advanced happy birthday to kimi!

lost my way a bit in this entire get-back-to-teaching enterprise, the most conspicuous manifestation my not having prayers in class anymore.

i've forgotten how to pray with a class and i wish i could find a way to have a collective embrace with the lord once more.

this week has been tiring tiring and just more tiring. it got to the point that i just dropped all my commitments today. anything i told myself i'd do in terms of marking papers --- whether in literature or term paper class --- i eschewed for time with my kids, giving my kids' au pair an advanced christmas present, and getting myself a 1-hour foot spa near ateneo. i was a changed woman after the footsie treatment.

i'm still not checking papers. christmas is coming and i want to feel it. i still don't!

i still miss belgium but it's getting farther and farther away by the day. sonny going back in january does not help my cause but maybe i don't want it to prosper in any way.

i will sleep long tonight. after some wine and eats at chris' place.

i've been plodding through reaction papers since tuesday. my back's sore from sitting upright for hours on end and in spite of my desire to keep abreast of the times, emailing student papers back to them --- one by one --- is tedious, tedious, tedious.

it is perhaps too much to ask but once in a blue moon, more like every ten papers or so, i will read something that makes me want to continue reading every single word, every single sentence and paragraph.

genius is rare and insightful comments are like genius. if students could write reactions all semester long and not be graded for the weight of their critical prowess, literature would be pure joy. i can interact all day and marking papers on the beauty of insight is a burden i don't wish to bear.

but please, dear students, make the reading experience of marking your papers a joyous journey and not the mostly excruciating root canal it can be!

right now i want a cold glass of westmalle tripel bier --- pronto!

all entries and comments, intact, but outside of a paid domain… over at Svelte Loves Sport. as with all my blogging ventures, this site will be attired in simple, basic colours until the magic man weaves his wand over the entire place. let’s not cease to believe in the power of miracles! :) expect this site to go down in a day or two… if you’re still around, i hope to see you sniffing around the other place soon!

wait for my first ever sports article on the philippine collegiate championships, or PCC, covered exclusively by inboundpass.com. i haven’t written about basketball ever — and this will be my trial by fire.

who would have thought that the first step towards realising the burning desire to be a sportswriter would begin with — *gulp!* — a gig in basketball writing?

i say, pass the ball, go for the fastbreak and set up the 10-2 run, sveltie baby!

if keeping your zen intact is a daily challenge, you just might agree with me on the following:

• driving can make you ugly. before driving in europe, i was a certified manila street monster. it was with a twisted sense of pride that i cut corners, swerved into people's paths, and bullied other drivers carelessly on manila's wild and wooly streets. coming back after nearly 5 years away, i have realised that if i leave way before my appointments, i can still drive with the fragile street zen i developed in belgium. if i am running late, my horns and tail come out without hesitation and i am a stressful wreck by the time i get to my destination. verdict? so totally not worth the hassle and anxiety.
• of noisy dragging feet. when i was in high school, my IB psychology teacher, the venerable mrs sandy pauly called my attention to my way of walking down the hall one late afternoon. "you're a lazy walker. lift your shoes!" i had been unmindfully dragging my shoes on the floors and the sound of it echoed in the empty halls of the H building where her office was. i hear the 2008 version today on ateneo's numerous foot paths when students drag their flip flops and mary jane's languidly over the brushed concrete. today, hearing the constant brushing sound behind me, i turned to a male student and recounted to him, with a smile, mrs pauly's words. he had on two-year old chuckies which, to my skewed view, was uber cool with its used look. the student smiled at me ever so slightly, saying, "i want to change these shoes... i'm sorry for the noise, ma'am." manangish ways notwithstanding, i found yet another way to communicate with today's college students without doing my taray-hirits of old. it was liberating.
• online all the way. requiring my students to submit their papers online is not only one of the best things i could have done to jumpstart my teaching career but a source of joy to my students. one of my beadles ( i have 16 of them would ya believe??? i'm old! hahaha) wrote me an email wherein she said that she and her classmates appreciated what i do as their literature teacher. flattered? no doubt. but i was more warmed than anything else. i'm still searching for the perfect balance between being taken seriously (strikta ms tapia mode of old) and being relaxed (attendance checking is not my province any longer, for one). it's not an easy path for now as i still feel like i'm exploring fresh frontiers but the discoveries are always more than i ever imagined.

kay sarap tumanda.