Sunday, January 18, 2009
n is for numb
when this lifts is beyond me. and it won't happen in a week so your well meaning words of comfort to the latter are appreciated for your intentions but not taken to heart. don't sue me for my ingratitude.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
res ipsa loquitur
to my dearest emer (and to those i met through cyberspace --- but did meet in real life afterwards ---- and to my other friends whom i met before internet was as ubiquitous as the nokias, iphones, and blackberry's of this world),
it was a great ride while i lasted. the ride continues and for those of you still part of it, happy 4th year anniversary. may you grow from strength to strength.
my fate is to forge a new path into my new life in this new now. your intentions, filled with hope and love, have reached my innermost core yet the responses from others do nothing save bring back unwanted memories. unwanted simply because some things will never change which my foolish heart hopes will, but which stranger in cyberspace would ever change their stolid impressions of someone they have never met? gud lak sa aten, as jologs-speak prompts me to say, and not without a rueful smile.
i told my students two days ago, i try not to be affected by events, not to take things personally but considering that i am getting on in years, i have learned to accept that no matter how old i am, some things will always affect me, move me, even when others are not. even when others tell me i should not be affected. the simple fact remains: i am affected and i cannot see how i can change this. i truly cannot control how the heart responds or what it feels, even. i can be the undying romantic or the helpless one who will die because of the strength of such delusions winking beneath the banner of rose-coloured glasses-wearers and associates.
it's a brand new year and i've tried to slowly carve out my new happiness. there's a gym enrollment beckoning at the moro lorenzo gym until my birthday next month, a bikram yoga date at least once a week and, should i finally craft the perfect fine line in and around work, health, and quality time with my family, dojo shopping for aikido and eventually, weapons training. i've been shopping around for a choir to join where i can grow but i can let that dream simmer over the slow fire of delayed gratification and the bigger picture of rosy tomorrow's begging to be born. if all goes well, the UP degree will be completed and singing in a mature choir can accompany that ride.
for now, i know you will understand why i had to leave your well-intentioned salvo for the group that was. it no longer is my reality and probably never will be again.
thank you for all the memories while i was with you.
always reinventing myself,
svelterogue
it was a great ride while i lasted. the ride continues and for those of you still part of it, happy 4th year anniversary. may you grow from strength to strength.
my fate is to forge a new path into my new life in this new now. your intentions, filled with hope and love, have reached my innermost core yet the responses from others do nothing save bring back unwanted memories. unwanted simply because some things will never change which my foolish heart hopes will, but which stranger in cyberspace would ever change their stolid impressions of someone they have never met? gud lak sa aten, as jologs-speak prompts me to say, and not without a rueful smile.
i told my students two days ago, i try not to be affected by events, not to take things personally but considering that i am getting on in years, i have learned to accept that no matter how old i am, some things will always affect me, move me, even when others are not. even when others tell me i should not be affected. the simple fact remains: i am affected and i cannot see how i can change this. i truly cannot control how the heart responds or what it feels, even. i can be the undying romantic or the helpless one who will die because of the strength of such delusions winking beneath the banner of rose-coloured glasses-wearers and associates.
it's a brand new year and i've tried to slowly carve out my new happiness. there's a gym enrollment beckoning at the moro lorenzo gym until my birthday next month, a bikram yoga date at least once a week and, should i finally craft the perfect fine line in and around work, health, and quality time with my family, dojo shopping for aikido and eventually, weapons training. i've been shopping around for a choir to join where i can grow but i can let that dream simmer over the slow fire of delayed gratification and the bigger picture of rosy tomorrow's begging to be born. if all goes well, the UP degree will be completed and singing in a mature choir can accompany that ride.
for now, i know you will understand why i had to leave your well-intentioned salvo for the group that was. it no longer is my reality and probably never will be again.
thank you for all the memories while i was with you.
always reinventing myself,
svelterogue
