Monday, November 24, 2008
the paradox of sadness and lightness
although i'm sad and still shocked over what happened last sunday, i also feel much lighter. it may have to do with my flu virus finally leaving my body, thus giving me a clearer head - literally! - and the mere fact i have a wonderful husband and sweet best friend.
reading V's hurtful texts just before entering class meant a severe test to my new teacher persona. i failed this first test. i entered my last class for the day visibly shaken and inwardly upset. with my voice cracking, i told my class, "something bad happened to me outside of class --- and i'm very very upset. it has absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you... but please cooperate because my blood pressure is up here" and when i said that, i motioned to my neck.
my kids in that last class actually helped lift my spirits. they debated animatedly and rather well, not much of a surprise there, and after 40 minutes or so i was smiling and laughing with them. "you made my day!" i told them and i was greeted by enthusiastic applause. during the debate, however, i struggled mightily to listen to their arguments and write coherent notes in my notebook. the words were swimming and my hand was still shaking from reading (and sending) texts from V.
after class i ran to S, as i used to do in belgium, and the minute he saw my face he knew something --- anything! --- was wrong. i put my arms around him and he embraced me back, rubbing my back soothingly. i sat on his swivel chair and cried a bit. i couldn't let go; i was in his department and all the faculty were there assembled for a meeting.
i ended up writing fiery posts which i also edited repeatedly, toning down the expletives and anger. (just before writing this post, i even edited the text i wrote with the posted link yesterday, taking out names and insults).
after writing, i was exhausted. S' meeting was over and some of his colleagues were seated around their lunch table, discussing their coming christmas party and drinking lambanog. i must have drank three shots of the warm liquid and it put me in a less 'damp' frame of mind.
when we got home, i rang my best friend, F. i spilled out all my hurt, confusion, and anger into his not-so-patient ear (he was in the office so that must have contributed to his taray with me). i wept all over again and mikka kept looking my way, wanting to comfort me. but i would burst into laughter or some badingger statement that would throw off my son. after several minutes of this schizo behaviour, he turned his attentions to the more interesting cartoon show on tv. by the time i put down the phone i was hungry again. i ate 2 baluts with my brother in law, who insisted on hearing a summarised version of what i had just told F. i hesitated but i found myself telling the story for a third time.
and all those tellings helped. somehow my heart and mind were de-cluttered and put at ease. i slept the sleep of the dead and only the light kisses of my husband leaving for work and my older son a few minutes later roused me from my deep slumber.
i didn't know that E and V had camped outside my house the evening before, wanting to speak with me. in the embrace of a new day, i read their message on my phone without rancour. i replied to E, apologising for having kept them waiting. yes, i told her, i was devastated by the turn of events.
no matter how old i get, i will always be affected by what seem like betrayals of Friends. friends i trust. especially E! i have never known her to be less than a loyal, stalwart, and very sweet person through and through. and in her own way, she did come through for me. i'm only sorry i wasn't able to talk to them --- they waited for half an hour.
sorry, ea, sorry vanie. let's meet tomorrow evening, k? sana hindi na ako umiyak!
reading V's hurtful texts just before entering class meant a severe test to my new teacher persona. i failed this first test. i entered my last class for the day visibly shaken and inwardly upset. with my voice cracking, i told my class, "something bad happened to me outside of class --- and i'm very very upset. it has absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you... but please cooperate because my blood pressure is up here" and when i said that, i motioned to my neck.
my kids in that last class actually helped lift my spirits. they debated animatedly and rather well, not much of a surprise there, and after 40 minutes or so i was smiling and laughing with them. "you made my day!" i told them and i was greeted by enthusiastic applause. during the debate, however, i struggled mightily to listen to their arguments and write coherent notes in my notebook. the words were swimming and my hand was still shaking from reading (and sending) texts from V.
after class i ran to S, as i used to do in belgium, and the minute he saw my face he knew something --- anything! --- was wrong. i put my arms around him and he embraced me back, rubbing my back soothingly. i sat on his swivel chair and cried a bit. i couldn't let go; i was in his department and all the faculty were there assembled for a meeting.
i ended up writing fiery posts which i also edited repeatedly, toning down the expletives and anger. (just before writing this post, i even edited the text i wrote with the posted link yesterday, taking out names and insults).
after writing, i was exhausted. S' meeting was over and some of his colleagues were seated around their lunch table, discussing their coming christmas party and drinking lambanog. i must have drank three shots of the warm liquid and it put me in a less 'damp' frame of mind.
when we got home, i rang my best friend, F. i spilled out all my hurt, confusion, and anger into his not-so-patient ear (he was in the office so that must have contributed to his taray with me). i wept all over again and mikka kept looking my way, wanting to comfort me. but i would burst into laughter or some badingger statement that would throw off my son. after several minutes of this schizo behaviour, he turned his attentions to the more interesting cartoon show on tv. by the time i put down the phone i was hungry again. i ate 2 baluts with my brother in law, who insisted on hearing a summarised version of what i had just told F. i hesitated but i found myself telling the story for a third time.
and all those tellings helped. somehow my heart and mind were de-cluttered and put at ease. i slept the sleep of the dead and only the light kisses of my husband leaving for work and my older son a few minutes later roused me from my deep slumber.
i didn't know that E and V had camped outside my house the evening before, wanting to speak with me. in the embrace of a new day, i read their message on my phone without rancour. i replied to E, apologising for having kept them waiting. yes, i told her, i was devastated by the turn of events.
no matter how old i get, i will always be affected by what seem like betrayals of Friends. friends i trust. especially E! i have never known her to be less than a loyal, stalwart, and very sweet person through and through. and in her own way, she did come through for me. i'm only sorry i wasn't able to talk to them --- they waited for half an hour.
sorry, ea, sorry vanie. let's meet tomorrow evening, k? sana hindi na ako umiyak!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
lights out on paid blogging
ok, it's official. i don't have what it takes to sustain a personal domain. not even one year into the game and i'm out.
it was good while it lasted.
time to concentrate on my priorities for now.
thank god for multiply! :)
you can read my farewell post HERE. thank you to all the people who visited my sports and personal blogs. you contributed to my modest traffic stats! :)
it was good while it lasted.
time to concentrate on my priorities for now.
thank god for multiply! :)
you can read my farewell post HERE. thank you to all the people who visited my sports and personal blogs. you contributed to my modest traffic stats! :)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
health woes
i'm down with what seems to be mini-flu. all the symptoms are there: itchy throat, aching joints and muscles, runny nose, throbbing head. it's highly possible i contracted this right after arriving from shanghai where i was gallivanting in their autumnal 18-degree Celsius weather and then plunging directly into work upon arrival, all this in 30+-degree Celsius weather. had i not done some emergency rehabilitation to my throat last wednesday morning, i would not have been able to meet my students on my first day of class after more than 5 years. five. five freaking years.
in rica's bowl of eternity perspective, it's really just a drop but in light of my recent memories, it seems like --- well, eternity has passed since i last taught.
everything's different. the school has changed. the students seem different. there are more buildings, more foot paths, less football fields, no more corn fields, more parking lots, more landscaping. bigger, shinier cars. younger, more beautiful teachers.
in my ageing body, my heart pounds --- still! --- when i see someone absolutely hott, cute, gorgeous, beautiful, be they student, staff, or faculty. i still enjoy walking to class. i also enjoy putting lectures into my USB stick and flashing them on the LCD projector in class. every classroom in ateneo now has facilities for multimedia presentations --- there is no excuse not to keep up with the technological joneses in this very digital world.
my tree-hugging students appreciate my policy of receiving electronic submissions (isn't that the way to go these days? i can't imagine myself being burdened with piles of papers while walking from class to the department, oh no). i told them that my own professors in leuven were kind enough to pass me on my thesis when i submitted all my last-minute requirements by e-mail... why can't i extend the same leniency and generosity of spirit?
i'm also discovering that students will always be students. you can make available course websites, course emails, and mobile numbers to them but not everyone will read what you post nor send you emails/texts to clarify the readings. they will still need teacher guidance in framing the material and that's when i realise that you can't let go of all the old things that quickly.
this morning, armed with my laptop, i came to a class where the assigned beadle had not procured the necessary cable to flash my lecture with the LCD projector onto the screen. he was apologetic, sweating nervously as he stutteringly offered to run to the escaler hall and pick up the needed cable. i told him to relax. "i can always use the blackboard, my dear. that's what teachers do, right?" and i felt strange saying it because so far this week, i had not been using the blackboard as much as i did years ago. five years ago to be exact.
it was like flexing an atrophied memory muscle, and the time in which i did it reminded me of uma thurman in kill bill after she woke up from her coma and started flexing her toes inside the redneck pickup truck she was able to use after killing its owner. first there was the ocean of green space before me and the next instant the marmish spirit residing within kicked in and my hand started to move over that smooth expanse, filling it with an outline, reminders, and assigned readings. as i had learned long time ago in my teacher training seminars, the natural boardwork flowed out once more.
yes, i'm a narcissist. i love surveying my works of art and the way i've written on the board in the past has always been a source of pride. today was no different. i could see the clouds clearing from my students' eyes as i explained the debate sequence to them. although some of them had downloaded and printed the file from the website, it looked different when i had reworked it on the board.
it was an affirming moment. it made me re-examine the use of the laptop for the entire semester for my lectures. it really got me thinking.
and so to come back to the onus of this entry, i'm hoping my health improves over the weekend so i can be more sensual in class next week. i really would like to get my sense of smell back and this translates into better sense of hearing. my students haven't heard me use my full force diaphragmed voice yet --- i might be able to when i'm fully healthy. but then again, maybe i don't need to use my louder voice of old at all. as it is, they're attentive already.
