Monday, November 24, 2008
the paradox of sadness and lightness
although i'm sad and still shocked over what happened last sunday, i also feel much lighter. it may have to do with my flu virus finally leaving my body, thus giving me a clearer head - literally! - and the mere fact i have a wonderful husband and sweet best friend.
reading V's hurtful texts just before entering class meant a severe test to my new teacher persona. i failed this first test. i entered my last class for the day visibly shaken and inwardly upset. with my voice cracking, i told my class, "something bad happened to me outside of class --- and i'm very very upset. it has absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you... but please cooperate because my blood pressure is up here" and when i said that, i motioned to my neck.
my kids in that last class actually helped lift my spirits. they debated animatedly and rather well, not much of a surprise there, and after 40 minutes or so i was smiling and laughing with them. "you made my day!" i told them and i was greeted by enthusiastic applause. during the debate, however, i struggled mightily to listen to their arguments and write coherent notes in my notebook. the words were swimming and my hand was still shaking from reading (and sending) texts from V.
after class i ran to S, as i used to do in belgium, and the minute he saw my face he knew something --- anything! --- was wrong. i put my arms around him and he embraced me back, rubbing my back soothingly. i sat on his swivel chair and cried a bit. i couldn't let go; i was in his department and all the faculty were there assembled for a meeting.
i ended up writing fiery posts which i also edited repeatedly, toning down the expletives and anger. (just before writing this post, i even edited the text i wrote with the posted link yesterday, taking out names and insults).
after writing, i was exhausted. S' meeting was over and some of his colleagues were seated around their lunch table, discussing their coming christmas party and drinking lambanog. i must have drank three shots of the warm liquid and it put me in a less 'damp' frame of mind.
when we got home, i rang my best friend, F. i spilled out all my hurt, confusion, and anger into his not-so-patient ear (he was in the office so that must have contributed to his taray with me). i wept all over again and mikka kept looking my way, wanting to comfort me. but i would burst into laughter or some badingger statement that would throw off my son. after several minutes of this schizo behaviour, he turned his attentions to the more interesting cartoon show on tv. by the time i put down the phone i was hungry again. i ate 2 baluts with my brother in law, who insisted on hearing a summarised version of what i had just told F. i hesitated but i found myself telling the story for a third time.
and all those tellings helped. somehow my heart and mind were de-cluttered and put at ease. i slept the sleep of the dead and only the light kisses of my husband leaving for work and my older son a few minutes later roused me from my deep slumber.
i didn't know that E and V had camped outside my house the evening before, wanting to speak with me. in the embrace of a new day, i read their message on my phone without rancour. i replied to E, apologising for having kept them waiting. yes, i told her, i was devastated by the turn of events.
no matter how old i get, i will always be affected by what seem like betrayals of Friends. friends i trust. especially E! i have never known her to be less than a loyal, stalwart, and very sweet person through and through. and in her own way, she did come through for me. i'm only sorry i wasn't able to talk to them --- they waited for half an hour.
sorry, ea, sorry vanie. let's meet tomorrow evening, k? sana hindi na ako umiyak!
reading V's hurtful texts just before entering class meant a severe test to my new teacher persona. i failed this first test. i entered my last class for the day visibly shaken and inwardly upset. with my voice cracking, i told my class, "something bad happened to me outside of class --- and i'm very very upset. it has absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you... but please cooperate because my blood pressure is up here" and when i said that, i motioned to my neck.
my kids in that last class actually helped lift my spirits. they debated animatedly and rather well, not much of a surprise there, and after 40 minutes or so i was smiling and laughing with them. "you made my day!" i told them and i was greeted by enthusiastic applause. during the debate, however, i struggled mightily to listen to their arguments and write coherent notes in my notebook. the words were swimming and my hand was still shaking from reading (and sending) texts from V.
after class i ran to S, as i used to do in belgium, and the minute he saw my face he knew something --- anything! --- was wrong. i put my arms around him and he embraced me back, rubbing my back soothingly. i sat on his swivel chair and cried a bit. i couldn't let go; i was in his department and all the faculty were there assembled for a meeting.
i ended up writing fiery posts which i also edited repeatedly, toning down the expletives and anger. (just before writing this post, i even edited the text i wrote with the posted link yesterday, taking out names and insults).
after writing, i was exhausted. S' meeting was over and some of his colleagues were seated around their lunch table, discussing their coming christmas party and drinking lambanog. i must have drank three shots of the warm liquid and it put me in a less 'damp' frame of mind.
when we got home, i rang my best friend, F. i spilled out all my hurt, confusion, and anger into his not-so-patient ear (he was in the office so that must have contributed to his taray with me). i wept all over again and mikka kept looking my way, wanting to comfort me. but i would burst into laughter or some badingger statement that would throw off my son. after several minutes of this schizo behaviour, he turned his attentions to the more interesting cartoon show on tv. by the time i put down the phone i was hungry again. i ate 2 baluts with my brother in law, who insisted on hearing a summarised version of what i had just told F. i hesitated but i found myself telling the story for a third time.
and all those tellings helped. somehow my heart and mind were de-cluttered and put at ease. i slept the sleep of the dead and only the light kisses of my husband leaving for work and my older son a few minutes later roused me from my deep slumber.
i didn't know that E and V had camped outside my house the evening before, wanting to speak with me. in the embrace of a new day, i read their message on my phone without rancour. i replied to E, apologising for having kept them waiting. yes, i told her, i was devastated by the turn of events.
no matter how old i get, i will always be affected by what seem like betrayals of Friends. friends i trust. especially E! i have never known her to be less than a loyal, stalwart, and very sweet person through and through. and in her own way, she did come through for me. i'm only sorry i wasn't able to talk to them --- they waited for half an hour.
sorry, ea, sorry vanie. let's meet tomorrow evening, k? sana hindi na ako umiyak!
