C'est Moi

i have nearly 120 students --- give or take a few --- this semester. before i met them, i created two course websites for the two courses i was going to teach. in both sites i labeled my then-future students as "Lara's Angels".

in the nearly six months that i have been back in the country (it's officially 6 on the afternoon of march 31st) i have tried to gain my seafaring legs in life manila style, and it has been one helluva bumpy ride. not a rollercoaster ride naman, but one filled with twists, turns, brambles, and what painful journey isn't complete without its glades of honeycomb and nectar, streams of gurgling silver, and endless fields of golden joy?

the frantic pace of life is still on the bargaining block. the louder volumes that pinoys use to communicate still jars. but i'm getting the hang of it and my practice ground has been in the interaction with our school security personnel, especially the young-faced and good-looking ones assigned to de la costa building where my workspace is located. it's no secret that i am more relaxed speaking to the "common" tao. maybe because i feel i'm common, too? of no special or significant stature in this new order of things? the few times i dabbled in power play and conflicts were few times too many and ill-advised for my blood pressure. i can't stand by the hardline stance of "how dare you cross a faculty member of this university, you good for nothing idiot?" there is some relief but it doesn't last very long. what lingers is the appalling taste of a misplaced ego. i have to get away from that mode of thought, i often tell myself.

then there is the lack of green in the metropolis which chokes the very life from my waning spirit. where before i could always just leave my ultra comfortable perch in front of the pc, throw on a coat, grab a bike key from the hook and churn my way around leuven or dive into the sports centre pool for 500 metres or so, now i have to carefully plan my way through the concrete jungle that is manila. our university pool is not as socialised as leuven's was, and i have to beg artfully to get 1 hour of much-needed swimming in. the moro lorenzo gym is a dump with its rusty machines, sticky mats, and even stickier dumb bells. the only safe places to bike are UP and ateneo, and getting from our apartment to any of the two puts a strain on mental (and physical) resources. that i am earning in pesos now rather than euros is also a big factor --- i am simply not as flexible with my options any longer.

i have a job. a purpose in life. i feel i am of use to people. 120 or so of them.

and how i love them. yesterday, after my last class with R03, several of them approached me and sang out, "thank you so much, ma'am!" my R21 students had already filed into the room and taken their seats but the R03 stalwarts were still in the room, chatting, posing for some last photographs, throwing in a last word or two to me. when some of them embraced and kissed me, it's as if i were no longer there but in a very happy place.

to be needed and loved is one of the most beautiful things in life.

to not be understood by two of the closest people in my life is hell beyond pain and the lowest circle of dis. it always throws me off my stride, it breaks my rhythm (and these days it takes hours before i establish one, especially in checking papers, like now, i should be doing that but i have to write this to grab an elusive moment of zen, before i can put on my english teacher helmet once more), a part of me dies. of late, when i'm with family or best friend, only a numbness hovers in the air, and it often turns to steel before it squeezes my chest, inch by excruciating inch.

somewhere along the way, in the last five years, lara shed her skin. maybe more times than i cared to count, but this version of me today is different. and sometimes it is tiring to keep repeating myself to people i thought would know this more than the rest.

but even those closest to you can miss the subtle shifts.

and as usual, where i least expect to find solace, a big french window has been thrown open to let in the overwhelming exuberance of 17 & 18 year olds. i will miss them.

thank you, lara's angels, for touching my life. i love you.