C'est Moi

My Beloved Classes

2009-03-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

presenting... three of my four sections my first semester of teaching after 5 years!

R21 --- the Lit 14 class that came alive in the eleventh hour... 10.30-11.30 in CTC 205 (horrible room! none of our powerpoint presentations could ever be seen! such a pity considering the artistic presentations prepared by the likes of leland, patrick, and sean)

R49 --- the feisty, plucky En 12 class who almost always made me smile at the end of my teaching days... 14.30-15.30 in Bellarmine (forgot na the room number)

R03 --- the Lit 14 class i honestly dreaded when i met them on the first day. i thought i would not know how to handle such a precocious bunch... they adopted me instead and showed me that all i needed to be was be myself... they were the only class who asked me why i had not been there on the first week of class and the only class to whom i admitted that i wasn't really away to "accompany my elderly mother" but that i was "fulfilling my lifelong dream of watching live tennis in shanghaiiiii!!!"... it was a love story that never ended... 8.30-9.30 in CTC 304

isa pa with R03 but with me included :)

when i had no(o)ne

2009-03-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

i have nearly 120 students --- give or take a few --- this semester. before i met them, i created two course websites for the two courses i was going to teach. in both sites i labeled my then-future students as "Lara's Angels".

in the nearly six months that i have been back in the country (it's officially 6 on the afternoon of march 31st) i have tried to gain my seafaring legs in life manila style, and it has been one helluva bumpy ride. not a rollercoaster ride naman, but one filled with twists, turns, brambles, and what painful journey isn't complete without its glades of honeycomb and nectar, streams of gurgling silver, and endless fields of golden joy?

the frantic pace of life is still on the bargaining block. the louder volumes that pinoys use to communicate still jars. but i'm getting the hang of it and my practice ground has been in the interaction with our school security personnel, especially the young-faced and good-looking ones assigned to de la costa building where my workspace is located. it's no secret that i am more relaxed speaking to the "common" tao. maybe because i feel i'm common, too? of no special or significant stature in this new order of things? the few times i dabbled in power play and conflicts were few times too many and ill-advised for my blood pressure. i can't stand by the hardline stance of "how dare you cross a faculty member of this university, you good for nothing idiot?" there is some relief but it doesn't last very long. what lingers is the appalling taste of a misplaced ego. i have to get away from that mode of thought, i often tell myself.

then there is the lack of green in the metropolis which chokes the very life from my waning spirit. where before i could always just leave my ultra comfortable perch in front of the pc, throw on a coat, grab a bike key from the hook and churn my way around leuven or dive into the sports centre pool for 500 metres or so, now i have to carefully plan my way through the concrete jungle that is manila. our university pool is not as socialised as leuven's was, and i have to beg artfully to get 1 hour of much-needed swimming in. the moro lorenzo gym is a dump with its rusty machines, sticky mats, and even stickier dumb bells. the only safe places to bike are UP and ateneo, and getting from our apartment to any of the two puts a strain on mental (and physical) resources. that i am earning in pesos now rather than euros is also a big factor --- i am simply not as flexible with my options any longer.

i have a job. a purpose in life. i feel i am of use to people. 120 or so of them.

and how i love them. yesterday, after my last class with R03, several of them approached me and sang out, "thank you so much, ma'am!" my R21 students had already filed into the room and taken their seats but the R03 stalwarts were still in the room, chatting, posing for some last photographs, throwing in a last word or two to me. when some of them embraced and kissed me, it's as if i were no longer there but in a very happy place.

to be needed and loved is one of the most beautiful things in life.

to not be understood by two of the closest people in my life is hell beyond pain and the lowest circle of dis. it always throws me off my stride, it breaks my rhythm (and these days it takes hours before i establish one, especially in checking papers, like now, i should be doing that but i have to write this to grab an elusive moment of zen, before i can put on my english teacher helmet once more), a part of me dies. of late, when i'm with family or best friend, only a numbness hovers in the air, and it often turns to steel before it squeezes my chest, inch by excruciating inch.

somewhere along the way, in the last five years, lara shed her skin. maybe more times than i cared to count, but this version of me today is different. and sometimes it is tiring to keep repeating myself to people i thought would know this more than the rest.

but even those closest to you can miss the subtle shifts.

and as usual, where i least expect to find solace, a big french window has been thrown open to let in the overwhelming exuberance of 17 & 18 year olds. i will miss them.

thank you, lara's angels, for touching my life. i love you.

getting ready for spring

2009-03-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

here it only moves from hot to hotter days and then not too hot nights. 6 time zones away in my beloved europe, spring has finally arrived.. and in sporting lingo... that means that all hell is about to break loose!

miami's atp/wta tour will end on april 4 and we'll be in the spring claycourt swing of the tennis calendar! french open and wimbledon... my favourite part of the year... no more all-day BBC coverage at SW 19 with all the rain delays... no more all-day France 1 & 2 coverage at roland garros...

formula one revs off with an all-new set of cars and KERS! no more sporza and la une or la deux coverage of qualifying and actual races!

champions league heats up towards the finals! no more in-the-zone watching from 20.45-22.30 of the knockout stages... i remember skipping aikido training just to watch my barca or chelsea slug it out on the pitch...

*if you go to the ATP page, you'll see the world's top 8 in their own version of the golden league :)

why he is my boy

2009-03-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

see that beautiful gorgeous smile. a 22 year old boy from an island in the mediterranean, 6 grand slam titles to his name, 13 masters shields, 33 atp titles in all. after winning his first hardcourt grand slam title last january in melbourne, the world didn't notice. not really. everyone was talking about the crybaby that was roger federer and his waning moon in tennis nightdom.

finally, against a gracious red-haired scotsman who owns that swiss crybaby, my rafa got the attention he deserved from fans and media alike.

down-to-earth, hard-working, self-effacing, charming, matter-of-fact, simple, and silly.

rabid roger fans will never know how it feels to rejoice with someone who works so hard to be the best, to celebrate the victory of someone with an unparalleled work ethic, to be happy for someone they snobbishly dismiss as "just a clay court specialist". roger fans can be blind to the virtues of other players, disdainful snobs who might not even know their tennis at all. (i sat in a noisy shanghai stadium of roger-only screaming fans who couldn't even recognise roger's impeccable placement skill in serving --- they were disappointed that his serve speed didn't go upwards of 180 kph --- and they called themselves fans of roger. be fans of the game!)

as for rafa, well, he's for down-to-earth folk. not to mention lascivious, promiscuous, and salivating over the comely sight of biceps and buns.

vamos rafa the king!

*in photo: rafael in the press room with his 13th baccarat master shield, two-time winner of the BNP PARIBAS open in indian wells. next stop: miami! vamonos!

(my son has started his tennis lessons and i've never seen a happier boy on the court. for him and his dreams i would do anything. anything. i will not make him adjust to my schedule nor make him feel he has to fly to the moon and back in order to deserve a chance to be happy.)

hard to let go

2009-03-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

the time is nigh. and no matter how much you want to distance yourself from their lovely faces, with eyes that see nothing beyond the cares of this weekend and next, you know you are doomed.

*in photo: moi pinning down 1st kyu dojo-mate and good friend gunter. he was the gentlest of the lot who i knew would make me look good. did he?

hard to say i'm sorry

2009-03-02T15:41:00.000-08:00

when the anger has floated away and you still miss them, the apology refuses to be vulcanised.

23 years ago...

2009-02-26T20:12:00.001-08:00

i was shivering in anticipation, wanting to throw myself in front of a tank and give mrs badoy's rosary to the young-faced soldier whose face looked stern under his tight helmet. i walked down edsa between cubao and ortigas avenue, there were no ugly MRT tracks and dingy flyovers to cut my view of sky and stars.

today i can remember the smell of fishballs, ice water, and ninoy aquino fans. everywhere we walked, my kuya, his girlfriend, his girlfriend's cute brother who would never give me the time of day, and i, we heard june keithley's voice over radyo veritas, updating us on what was happening in fairview, in crame, in malacañang.

how our hopes were pinned on pin-faced ramos, that treacherous general who could sense the tide turning, and riding on that crest of opportunity. parchment-faced enrile looked then as he still does, pinched, languid, and cunning. i can never trust that man. even when he's six feet under. he makes my blood turn cold.

when we got home two nights later, mommy and chuchi were weeping, embracing anyone their arms could enfold. as my face was squished against my father's jumping chest, i could hear mommy singing --- or was it sighing? --- "he's gone! he's gone! the dictator's gone!!!" the tears glistened on their cheeks and i was moved, swept in the moment and seconds later i was crying, too.

i was there, i thought. no tanks, no excitement, no chance to lay down my life for the country.

the filipino is worth dying for, ninoy had said, and the image of his bloodied face lying in the casket three years before, when cory had refused to have him cleaned up, so that everyone will see what they did to my man, she said, her voice breaking as she crackled into the mike in her garish yellow dress.

i would go into the province of service after college with ninoy's words echoing in my sternum, but would be sick and tired of hearing about the woes of the poor and oppressed even before i was 30.

but today, looking back, i can remember the rush of wanting to be of significance, to make my life mean something in the tapestry of the nation's history.

i was there. 15 years old. a young woman who would always be a late bloomer. there, on edsa, standing with other fervent filipinos who carried a dream: that this great country would be great with us, for us, because of us.

i will never forget that idealism of long ago. it's what keeps me alive, the memory of a long ago love and passion. it's what pierces the mist of indifference to the present administration, that reminds me that no matter how hard i pretend, i will always care.

if blood should spill, i will be there, in the middle of it all, trying to make my mark still. and for always.

23 years ago...

2009-02-26T20:12:00.000-08:00

the year that zipped past

2009-02-02T19:08:00.000-08:00

today i turned 38. i lamented, jokingly, to my high school friend and co-scholar yesterday when she rang me on my mobile: "iris!!! we're nearing the big four-oh and i still haven't had my reflections on turning a year older yet!!! oh no!" to which she responded in mock despair, "shaddap! i'm in denial! i'm not even thinking of such big numbers anymore!"

when i turned 36 in 2007, i (mistakenly) thought that it being my chinese astrological year (year of the pig/boar), it was an auspicious time in my life at that point, having lived three full cycles of animals stopping by buddha's bedside to get assigned their own constellations. i entered that year with so much confidence and happiness, impervious to so many things that could possibly go wrong. i felt invincible even if i wasn't. i was on top of the world even though it would be a brief precursor to a dizzying spiralling crash to the bottom of an abyss that took me a year and a half to climb out of. i was brimming with happiness and unbridled possibility. i felt young and vibrant.

i don't feel any of those this year, two years hence. although i celebrated a most wonderful birthday last year in the company of people i consider lifetime friends made in belgium, this year i find myself more subdued and thoughtful, even. but not in any forced way. it's just the case for me, coming from a weekend ago when i was so drunk i had to park my car on the shoulder of C-5 while trucks, vans, and what-have-you sedans honked their irate horns at my weaving trunk, and my eyes were puffy from too much lacrimosal activity induced by excessive inebriation, that i approached my coming of the age of three-eight with more than an ounce of prudence and wariness.

that rafa won the australian open for the first time in his first trip to the final was not lost on me. he had made history in tennis terms and yet i was lost in an ocean of indifference at home where no one except my oldest son shared a thread of passion for the sport. i had trudged through the past four months without any internet connection at home, living off the opportunities at ateneo, in between checking papers and consultations to get moments of cyber-love that i had taken for granted all my 4 years and 9 months in leuven, where i had 24/7 high-speed cable/LAN access to anything my heart desired, and it was most often live streams of my favourite sport, tennis tennis and even more tennis. from davis cup to atp events to non-masters events, i was not to be denied.

yet since landing on these shores, i've had to go without my usual dose of sports forums, blogging, and news about my favourite athletes. i've lost my way as far as my football knowledge is concerned while over in formula one land, the global recession and the off-season training that have changed the sport at such a dizzying pace have slipped by me, unnoticed, as the weeks marched past.

and today, just like that, i am 38.

and joyously, wondrously so.

i can't explain why, exactly. maybe it was having fun at last saturday's dinner party at my parents, a party they threw in sonny's honour for his finally becoming a doctor of theology? the easy banter with my parents, my siblings and their spouses, my nephew and nieces? the flowing wine and beer? the jokes? i did not feel any of the painful issues of the past hurt me in any way. all i can remember was having fun. lots of it. a first in my long search for happiness as far as immediate family are concerned. a source for inner celebration and jubilation.

maybe it was rafa winning his third grand slam in 8 months on a third different surface? trumping roger federer, he of 13 slam titles to his name, in achieving this amazing feat? that he did it with so much authority, barely 48 hours after a thrilling 5 hour and 14 minute semifinal against fernando verdasco?

maybe it was my bestest friend inviting me to dinner at this lovely, ambience-filled restaurant near tomas morato called a touch of l.a. with its beautiful wood interiors, amorsolo paintings, pugon oven, and warm candles, over platefuls of seafood and a bottle of cabernet sauvignon that contributed?

or was it the surprise videoke party at music match afterwards with old friends? as ea told me not a little bit drunkenly during that super fun singing fest, "lara, the best thing you can do this year is to reconnect with your old friends. forget about making new friends (which has been the nagging advice of my best friend that has shaken my confidence of late); da best ang mag reconnect!" for no strange reason, ea's sisterly affection and loving words settled more comfortably in my gut last night. she also said that she liked the influence sonny had over me and not for the first time in my 7-year marriage did i agree wholeheartedly with her assessment. the man is truly a blessing, my secret weapon, my one true thing.

with sonny these words ring true: what does it profit a [wo]man to gain the whole world but to lose h[er] soul in the process? i will never be materially rich with my husband, but the wealth of love and peace he has gifted me in the last 7 years have mroe than given me multiple rebirths and endless wonderful self discoveries. he has made it more than possible to be happy with myself and to be happy with others and the world around me. i am most blessed by his presence in my life and not a day goes by without my reminding him of his beauty and loveliness.

and now, on the first day of my 38th year, i wish i could have less eyebags than i do, or less fat hanging from my arms for my royalty wave, and less puson for my skinny jeans... but i have also gained a warmer dynamic with my students that eluded me in my pre-belgium teaching days. i have gained so much insight from being the mother of two, precocious, sweet, funny, intelligent sons who teach me constantly, every single day, what truly matter in life. children are god's gift to humanity and it is in our best interests to care for their best interests. they are our ultimate salvation. my kids ultimately restored me to myself, to which my older son will tell me, "mama, you did it yourself. you're the best mama."

happy birthday to me, lara!

n is for numb

2009-01-18T15:21:00.000-08:00

when this lifts is beyond me. and it won't happen in a week so your well meaning words of comfort to the latter are appreciated for your intentions but not taken to heart. don't sue me for my ingratitude.

res ipsa loquitur

2009-01-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

to my dearest emer (and to those i met through cyberspace --- but did meet in real life afterwards ---- and to my other friends whom i met before internet was as ubiquitous as the nokias, iphones, and blackberry's of this world),

it was a great ride while i lasted. the ride continues and for those of you still part of it, happy 4th year anniversary. may you grow from strength to strength.

my fate is to forge a new path into my new life in this new now. your intentions, filled with hope and love, have reached my innermost core yet the responses from others do nothing save bring back unwanted memories. unwanted simply because some things will never change which my foolish heart hopes will, but which stranger in cyberspace would ever change their stolid impressions of someone they have never met? gud lak sa aten, as jologs-speak prompts me to say, and not without a rueful smile.

i told my students two days ago, i try not to be affected by events, not to take things personally but considering that i am getting on in years, i have learned to accept that no matter how old i am, some things will always affect me, move me, even when others are not. even when others tell me i should not be affected. the simple fact remains: i am affected and i cannot see how i can change this. i truly cannot control how the heart responds or what it feels, even. i can be the undying romantic or the helpless one who will die because of the strength of such delusions winking beneath the banner of rose-coloured glasses-wearers and associates.

it's a brand new year and i've tried to slowly carve out my new happiness. there's a gym enrollment beckoning at the moro lorenzo gym until my birthday next month, a bikram yoga date at least once a week and, should i finally craft the perfect fine line in and around work, health, and quality time with my family, dojo shopping for aikido and eventually, weapons training. i've been shopping around for a choir to join where i can grow but i can let that dream simmer over the slow fire of delayed gratification and the bigger picture of rosy tomorrow's begging to be born. if all goes well, the UP degree will be completed and singing in a mature choir can accompany that ride.

for now, i know you will understand why i had to leave your well-intentioned salvo for the group that was. it no longer is my reality and probably never will be again.

thank you for all the memories while i was with you.

always reinventing myself,
svelterogue

wala na akong magagawa

2008-12-18T19:35:00.000-08:00

una, i can only do so much as a teacher in terms of planning the course syllabus and reminding students to do their duty which is to read handouts given to them (such as their syllabus and other course readings) or come to class on time. when people decide, en masse, to boycott the class because it's the last day of the semester before the holidays, something in me dies. but seeing the faces of students who deigned to fulfill their duty, seeing their eyes light up after we've sat together (oh the bliss of not having to be standing for an hour! the performer in me has gone away) poring over the beautiful lines of janis ian's song, then i know the time was well spent NOT getting upset over the absence of the majority. sabi nga sa isang parable sa bible, there will be rejoicing in heaven when even just one sinner repents. in my context, there is much to be thankful for and to rejoice over when even just one student out of 29 shows up and being the shy, reticent type, summons the courage to speak up at last. and what joy to listen to him sharing about his life. a teacher's life is not unlike a farmer's during planting and harvesting times. you plant in the heat of the sun, toiling without knowing the outcome, and when the harvest is full, even from just one plant, the heart brims over uncontrollably.
pangalawa, anong magagawa ko kung ang isang kaibigan ay ayaw kang kausapin dahil takot siya sa iisipin ng iba? hindi ba nakadidismaya? i've known this guy since 1991. my best friend for nearly a decade. someone who knows me beyond space and time. oh well. ganyan talaga. nalungkot ako sa pagtrato mo sa akin a few days ago only because i felt that such reactions and behaviour are no longer appropriate or apt for our present circumstances. friendship can span space and time. it doesn't always have to be about paranoia and troublesome angst. it can be light, stress-free, and relaxing. i've reconnected with so many people over the years and hardly any of those reunions were messy or ugly. at least most of the time. like 99.9% of the time. anyway, to overcome my melancholy, i decided na lang to make happiness out of a potentially depressing incident. (double whammy kasi yon e, sushi and dodo, ang saklap ninyo) i told myself, "i'll go about my day without factoring you into it at all." and lo and behold, the angels known as my sons poured joy into my heart and love along my path, and quality time with them was ne'er sweeter. time with new friends later in the day were gentle reminders that time waits for no one and letting go, though painful, is still the best way to zen.

i'm learning and re-learning things in my new philippine adventure. i have reconnected with prayer, with a saviour who has never abandoned me even when others seemingly did. so much grace in life and such abundance!

may your advent be a time of pain-filled longing for what truly matters in life: grace, respect, integrity, honour, and love.

advanced merry christmas to you all --- and advanced happy birthday to kimi!

exhausted!

2008-12-17T19:31:00.000-08:00

lost my way a bit in this entire get-back-to-teaching enterprise, the most conspicuous manifestation my not having prayers in class anymore.

i've forgotten how to pray with a class and i wish i could find a way to have a collective embrace with the lord once more.

this week has been tiring tiring and just more tiring. it got to the point that i just dropped all my commitments today. anything i told myself i'd do in terms of marking papers --- whether in literature or term paper class --- i eschewed for time with my kids, giving my kids' au pair an advanced christmas present, and getting myself a 1-hour foot spa near ateneo. i was a changed woman after the footsie treatment.

i'm still not checking papers. christmas is coming and i want to feel it. i still don't!

i still miss belgium but it's getting farther and farther away by the day. sonny going back in january does not help my cause but maybe i don't want it to prosper in any way.

i will sleep long tonight. after some wine and eats at chris' place.

inspire me

2008-12-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

i've been plodding through reaction papers since tuesday. my back's sore from sitting upright for hours on end and in spite of my desire to keep abreast of the times, emailing student papers back to them --- one by one --- is tedious, tedious, tedious.

it is perhaps too much to ask but once in a blue moon, more like every ten papers or so, i will read something that makes me want to continue reading every single word, every single sentence and paragraph.

genius is rare and insightful comments are like genius. if students could write reactions all semester long and not be graded for the weight of their critical prowess, literature would be pure joy. i can interact all day and marking papers on the beauty of insight is a burden i don't wish to bear.

but please, dear students, make the reading experience of marking your papers a joyous journey and not the mostly excruciating root canal it can be!

right now i want a cold glass of westmalle tripel bier --- pronto!

moving on to freer pastures

2008-12-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

all entries and comments, intact, but outside of a paid domain… over at Svelte Loves Sport. as with all my blogging ventures, this site will be attired in simple, basic colours until the magic man weaves his wand over the entire place. let’s not cease to believe in the power of miracles! :) expect this site to go down in a day or two… if you’re still around, i hope to see you sniffing around the other place soon!

wait for my first ever sports article on the philippine collegiate championships, or PCC, covered exclusively by inboundpass.com. i haven’t written about basketball ever — and this will be my trial by fire.

who would have thought that the first step towards realising the burning desire to be a sportswriter would begin with — *gulp!* — a gig in basketball writing?

i say, pass the ball, go for the fastbreak and set up the 10-2 run, sveltie baby!

keeping it together

2008-12-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

if keeping your zen intact is a daily challenge, you just might agree with me on the following:

driving can make you ugly. before driving in europe, i was a certified manila street monster. it was with a twisted sense of pride that i cut corners, swerved into people's paths, and bullied other drivers carelessly on manila's wild and wooly streets. coming back after nearly 5 years away, i have realised that if i leave way before my appointments, i can still drive with the fragile street zen i developed in belgium. if i am running late, my horns and tail come out without hesitation and i am a stressful wreck by the time i get to my destination. verdict? so totally not worth the hassle and anxiety.
of noisy dragging feet. when i was in high school, my IB psychology teacher, the venerable mrs sandy pauly called my attention to my way of walking down the hall one late afternoon. "you're a lazy walker. lift your shoes!" i had been unmindfully dragging my shoes on the floors and the sound of it echoed in the empty halls of the H building where her office was. i hear the 2008 version today on ateneo's numerous foot paths when students drag their flip flops and mary jane's languidly over the brushed concrete. today, hearing the constant brushing sound behind me, i turned to a male student and recounted to him, with a smile, mrs pauly's words. he had on two-year old chuckies which, to my skewed view, was uber cool with its used look. the student smiled at me ever so slightly, saying, "i want to change these shoes... i'm sorry for the noise, ma'am." manangish ways notwithstanding, i found yet another way to communicate with today's college students without doing my taray-hirits of old. it was liberating.
online all the way. requiring my students to submit their papers online is not only one of the best things i could have done to jumpstart my teaching career but a source of joy to my students. one of my beadles ( i have 16 of them would ya believe??? i'm old! hahaha) wrote me an email wherein she said that she and her classmates appreciated what i do as their literature teacher. flattered? no doubt. but i was more warmed than anything else. i'm still searching for the perfect balance between being taken seriously (strikta ms tapia mode of old) and being relaxed (attendance checking is not my province any longer, for one). it's not an easy path for now as i still feel like i'm exploring fresh frontiers but the discoveries are always more than i ever imagined.

kay sarap tumanda.

the paradox of sadness and lightness

2008-11-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

although i'm sad and still shocked over what happened last sunday, i also feel much lighter. it may have to do with my flu virus finally leaving my body, thus giving me a clearer head - literally! - and the mere fact i have a wonderful husband and sweet best friend.

reading V's hurtful texts just before entering class meant a severe test to my new teacher persona. i failed this first test. i entered my last class for the day visibly shaken and inwardly upset. with my voice cracking, i told my class, "something bad happened to me outside of class --- and i'm very very upset. it has absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you... but please cooperate because my blood pressure is up here" and when i said that, i motioned to my neck.

my kids in that last class actually helped lift my spirits. they debated animatedly and rather well, not much of a surprise there, and after 40 minutes or so i was smiling and laughing with them. "you made my day!" i told them and i was greeted by enthusiastic applause. during the debate, however, i struggled mightily to listen to their arguments and write coherent notes in my notebook. the words were swimming and my hand was still shaking from reading (and sending) texts from V.

after class i ran to S, as i used to do in belgium, and the minute he saw my face he knew something --- anything! --- was wrong. i put my arms around him and he embraced me back, rubbing my back soothingly. i sat on his swivel chair and cried a bit. i couldn't let go; i was in his department and all the faculty were there assembled for a meeting.

i ended up writing fiery posts which i also edited repeatedly, toning down the expletives and anger. (just before writing this post, i even edited the text i wrote with the posted link yesterday, taking out names and insults).

after writing, i was exhausted. S' meeting was over and some of his colleagues were seated around their lunch table, discussing their coming christmas party and drinking lambanog. i must have drank three shots of the warm liquid and it put me in a less 'damp' frame of mind.

when we got home, i rang my best friend, F. i spilled out all my hurt, confusion, and anger into his not-so-patient ear (he was in the office so that must have contributed to his taray with me). i wept all over again and mikka kept looking my way, wanting to comfort me. but i would burst into laughter or some badingger statement that would throw off my son. after several minutes of this schizo behaviour, he turned his attentions to the more interesting cartoon show on tv. by the time i put down the phone i was hungry again. i ate 2 baluts with my brother in law, who insisted on hearing a summarised version of what i had just told F. i hesitated but i found myself telling the story for a third time.

and all those tellings helped. somehow my heart and mind were de-cluttered and put at ease. i slept the sleep of the dead and only the light kisses of my husband leaving for work and my older son a few minutes later roused me from my deep slumber.

i didn't know that E and V had camped outside my house the evening before, wanting to speak with me. in the embrace of a new day, i read their message on my phone without rancour. i replied to E, apologising for having kept them waiting. yes, i told her, i was devastated by the turn of events.

no matter how old i get, i will always be affected by what seem like betrayals of Friends. friends i trust. especially E! i have never known her to be less than a loyal, stalwart, and very sweet person through and through. and in her own way, she did come through for me. i'm only sorry i wasn't able to talk to them --- they waited for half an hour.

sorry, ea, sorry vanie. let's meet tomorrow evening, k? sana hindi na ako umiyak!

lights out on paid blogging

2008-11-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

ok, it's official. i don't have what it takes to sustain a personal domain. not even one year into the game and i'm out.

it was good while it lasted.

time to concentrate on my priorities for now.

thank god for multiply! :)

you can read my farewell post HERE. thank you to all the people who visited my sports and personal blogs. you contributed to my modest traffic stats! :)

health woes

2008-11-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

i'm down with what seems to be mini-flu. all the symptoms are there: itchy throat, aching joints and muscles, runny nose, throbbing head. it's highly possible i contracted this right after arriving from shanghai where i was gallivanting in their autumnal 18-degree Celsius weather and then plunging directly into work upon arrival, all this in 30+-degree Celsius weather.

had i not done some emergency rehabilitation to my throat last wednesday morning, i would not have been able to meet my students on my first day of class after more than 5 years. five. five freaking years.

in rica's bowl of eternity perspective, it's really just a drop but in light of my recent memories, it seems like --- well, eternity has passed since i last taught.

everything's different. the school has changed. the students seem different. there are more buildings, more foot paths, less football fields, no more corn fields, more parking lots, more landscaping. bigger, shinier cars. younger, more beautiful teachers.

in my ageing body, my heart pounds --- still! --- when i see someone absolutely hott, cute, gorgeous, beautiful, be they student, staff, or faculty. i still enjoy walking to class. i also enjoy putting lectures into my USB stick and flashing them on the LCD projector in class. every classroom in ateneo now has facilities for multimedia presentations --- there is no excuse not to keep up with the technological joneses in this very digital world.

my tree-hugging students appreciate my policy of receiving electronic submissions (isn't that the way to go these days? i can't imagine myself being burdened with piles of papers while walking from class to the department, oh no). i told them that my own professors in leuven were kind enough to pass me on my thesis when i submitted all my last-minute requirements by e-mail... why can't i extend the same leniency and generosity of spirit?

i'm also discovering that students will always be students. you can make available course websites, course emails, and mobile numbers to them but not everyone will read what you post nor send you emails/texts to clarify the readings. they will still need teacher guidance in framing the material and that's when i realise that you can't let go of all the old things that quickly.

this morning, armed with my laptop, i came to a class where the assigned beadle had not procured the necessary cable to flash my lecture with the LCD projector onto the screen. he was apologetic, sweating nervously as he stutteringly offered to run to the escaler hall and pick up the needed cable. i told him to relax. "i can always use the blackboard, my dear. that's what teachers do, right?" and i felt strange saying it because so far this week, i had not been using the blackboard as much as i did years ago. five years ago to be exact.

it was like flexing an atrophied memory muscle, and the time in which i did it reminded me of uma thurman in kill bill after she woke up from her coma and started flexing her toes inside the redneck pickup truck she was able to use after killing its owner. first there was the ocean of green space before me and the next instant the marmish spirit residing within kicked in and my hand started to move over that smooth expanse, filling it with an outline, reminders, and assigned readings. as i had learned long time ago in my teacher training seminars, the natural boardwork flowed out once more.

yes, i'm a narcissist. i love surveying my works of art and the way i've written on the board in the past has always been a source of pride. today was no different. i could see the clouds clearing from my students' eyes as i explained the debate sequence to them. although some of them had downloaded and printed the file from the website, it looked different when i had reworked it on the board.

it was an affirming moment. it made me re-examine the use of the laptop for the entire semester for my lectures. it really got me thinking.

and so to come back to the onus of this entry, i'm hoping my health improves over the weekend so i can be more sensual in class next week. i really would like to get my sense of smell back and this translates into better sense of hearing. my students haven't heard me use my full force diaphragmed voice yet --- i might be able to when i'm fully healthy. but then again, maybe i don't need to use my louder voice of old at all. as it is, they're attentive already.

how do you fill an empty jar?

2008-10-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

it's been hard to find the words of late to give form to my present circumstances. this is partly the reason why.

may isang umagang di mo hahagkan

2008-09-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

ain't no sunshine when she's gone... --- lighthouse family

from left to right: sigi, tom, lara, veronika, daniel

countries from left to right: belgium, belgium, philippines, hungary, czech republic

what these creatures are: MaNaMa Cognitive and Functional Linguistics 2004

(photo credit: danny boy's facebook album, belgium 2004)

rafa or me?

2008-08-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

karlo (quintaclasse) brought this point up already before in relation to the inordinate attention i seemed to be showering on the world #1 men's tennis player. my son brought home the point emphatically today.

it ain't over til the fat lady moans

2008-08-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

and boy am i moaning. and yes, fat!

*in photo: maria sharapova at the atp players party held before the USO kicked off last aug 20 (photo courtesy of tennis.com)

the last place..

2008-08-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

... one ever looks when one needs something desperately is the very place where that missing gardem'd item is. when sonny held up the beautifully deep dark red memory stick after fishing it out of the ONE pocket of my laptop bag that i had NOT checked (idiot has never looked worse with me), i burst into tears.

the culprit who had been trying to be helpful the night before in keeping the memory stick in its proper computer bag smiled, coming near me to take the stick from my trembling fingers. he walked to our laptop and pointed to the ports as if to say, "may i put it in, please?"

oh kimi. i knew you could only put it in its proper place.

end result? a very dust-free apartment with all its nooks and crannies vacuumed with a vengeance. not bad for this asthmatic, eh?

PO

2008-08-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

pissed off. just when you need something the most, it goes MIA. to the max.

six friggin' hours of work, saved in the tiniest USB stick that the younger son just happened to play with and is now just... friggin' missin'. to make matters worse, when you ask kimi, "please tell us where you put mama's red memory stick", he babbles and smiles back, thinking it's all a game.

gardemit!!!

blogging aperitifs

2008-08-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

as far as meme rules go, you need to select a sample out of a pool of people you wish you could include, but that's probably the incentive to think up other memes and tags to have fun in cyberspace.

durgajane, i owe you a meme and i have it in my drafts. to celebrate your recent independence day, i resolve to finally publish that meme!

for now, this is a post shout-out to the following i tagged (yes, meming time!) in my svelte rogue blog:

JEY
LEPTO
JAYCEE
SUNNY
CHARLOTTE

give it a shot, guys that is, click on the only link in this post). how can you resist laminated cyber plastic?

for those of you who want to spread the love, comment in this space and i'll bend the rules to get you approved pronto! this is one credit line that won't give you the red tape run-around.

the ongoing slog

2008-08-07T02:36:00.000-07:00

i have to keep plugging away. deadliest deadline is august 18 for the first submission, a "little bit after" (according to my quasi-promoter) for the second submission.

please send me your earnest wishes or prayers. i could use all the help!

a light-house moment

2008-08-06T04:39:00.000-07:00

i'm trying hard to write my thesis on a crest of continuity and disciplined regimentation. but i fail miserably. my intangential moments of hyperspace, however, flows like honey past the bunched up shoulders of my tension. HERE.

looping roar

2008-07-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

this is for those who missed my posted link on rafa's roar --- or unbridled fury elsewhere on this site and beyond.

father-daughter tandem naman

2008-07-22T06:08:00.000-07:00

chuch, i found two wonderful videos of a famous father-daughter pair from you tube, and i know you'll love them both. enjoy!

*in the photo: my dad and mom at zaventem airport when they left for the states in 2005. it was to be their last visit to belgium. i am pregnant with kimi in this photo. previously, they had visited us faithfully for exactly a month the previous two summers.

missing nole and music

2008-07-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

i found another gem from you tube: a mother-daughter tandem singing and dancing in 1963. so talented. so flawed. so good.

the last bit of news i could pull out about novak djokovic dates back to his second round loss at wimbledon to marat safin. since then, he hasn't hit the headlines anymore. bring back my serb! ajde nole!

comatose

2008-07-07T02:19:00.000-07:00

am still overcome by sweeping emotions. happy beyond belief. the one year agony of waiting and hoping and believing came to fruition last night, after camping on my futon for 7 straight hours, allergies ravaging my skin, i unable to move beyond getting myself a glass of water each time my throat dried, allowing myself another trip to munch on a pear... last year's debacle is a distant memory, a necessary pain that culminates in this fireworks of joy.

it is the morning after and i am still hung over. caught in a state of tears and laughter, relief and vindication.

he is a one-surface wonder no more. he isn't just a clay specialist. he is special. he is the new king of the championships at wimbledon. he is my one and only rafael nadal.

kailangan kita...

2008-06-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

... ngayon at kailan man

kailangan mong malaman na ikaw lamang...

--- ogie alcasid

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para sa aking minamahal na ina

life imitating sports

2008-06-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

wait. i think that should read "life imitates literature." however, this maxim has certainly landed me in hot volcanic springs and my ass is toasted red with all talk in that direction. i'll leave all sane literature discussions for my classes next semester --- at least i get to tell any over-sensitive hotshots to just leave the classroom if they can't handle the heat.

it is possible, my friends, to learn valuable lessons from one of the most unifying events in our lives: SPORT.

home sweet home

2008-06-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

when i was in university, it was great using the metaphor of the king eagle soaring the blue skies. today, homing in on my eyrie, the majesty and loneliness of the high-flying bird takes me on its wings once more.

three months before flying home to the land of my birth, my cyber cache of heart and soul becomes the truest reflection of who i am.

this little cyber writer has grown up at last. my own home. my own digs. freedom.

you are all welcome!

*i left pansitan. and found myself.

forever my angel

2008-06-19T14:34:00.000-07:00

when i'm in distress, HE is always the first one to know. how i love him, not only because of this, but because he is truly beautiful.

words get in the way

2008-06-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

it's been three days since i got back from roland garros and i still have not found the right things to say about my experience, only THIS.

while we're on the topic of my beloved tennis, check out my sports blog entry about two exciting players i've added to my impossibly long list of favourites . it's getting more crowded at the top!

dima, you be the man!

2008-05-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

yes, dima bladin, you believed, and believe it or not, you won! it was complete fun --- i totally enjoyed myself!

start spreaing the news

2008-05-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

i've been to new york twice and both times i spent mostly in manhattan. sex and the city celebrates the glamorous life of this very urban borough of new york but the high rises, swank pubs and cafés, and spacious flats are not the summa total of the big apple. there are just so many new york city attractions to be had that you will really need at least one week of your precious vacation time to spend in this exciting city.

CitySights NY is a double decker sightseeing tours company in NYC. other than double decker bus tours the company offers attraction tickets, daily trips to boston, washington dc, and philadelphia as well as shopping trips to woodbury common premium outlets.

my recommendations? skip the empire state building and make your way to the buffalo-toronto border to see the niagara falls from the new york side. catch a performance at the MET or broadway, and what's a genuine new york city stay without a peek at the guggenheim and a run in central park? :)

when rafa loses...

2008-05-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

... it really HURTS. always. this week, the timing of his loss to a friend triggered so much more than just pathos for the end of an amazing streak of one amazing athlete.

tribute to a fantastic boy

2008-04-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

he's really sweet. he embraces me every morning when i start to wake up. he kisses everyone in the family lovingly --- and wetly. when papa or i bump into something and start yelping "owww! ouccchhhh!" he is the first one to rush to our side to comfort us, embracing us, kissing the sore spot. can pain last with such sweet attention? he's incredibly perceptive and sensitive for his age. he loves to sing and he sings well. his intonation is something i am truly proud of as a musician and i have entertained the thought of enrolling him in serious voice lessons in the future should he desire it.

i don't know how to explain it, but he breaks my heart. i see him and he grows so fast... the eve of his birthday, i held him close and whispered, "don't grow up too fast, please?"

if i call him "my baby" he looks at me sternly and says, "i am NOT! a baby!" and i shoot back, "you will always be my First baby, sweetheart, no matter how old you get."

one time he said, "i will never leave you alone, mama."

i tell ya, he really breaks my heart.

splatter

2008-04-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

my mind is far away, thoughts dispersed. i have no pressing emotional upheavals and considering the excess of cr*p i had this same time last year, i'm enjoying the drought. nothing beats contentment and serenity... i can attend the french open this year because, as i joked with my waswit, "wala akong kasalanan sa iyo this year, so i'm going to paris, woohoo!" he smiled at me and allowed me to book a rather pricey b&b room in the 7th arrondissement (dana, let's have lunch or dinner on the 27th? that's when i come in, no tennis for me that day, so let's bask in the parisian spring sunshine and ogle the dreamy french!). i just need to fix my trip details to paris (will it be thalys or will someone with a car come with me?) and better yet, find me a roommate who can definitely cut my expenses in half!

who doesn't love ugly betty?

2008-04-11T01:58:00.000-07:00

certainly not i. i'm only in episode 10 of the first season and i am sorely tempted to order the season dvd's instead of waiting to get my stash when i return to manila this fall.

one of the best things to happen to ugly betty is amanda, the deliciously bitchy sexy assistant at mode magazine. enjoy amanda's best moments!

i heart ikea

2008-04-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

do you love it as much as i do or absolutely abhor the place? weigh in with your thoughts HERE, my dear friends and family.

here, fishy fishy!

2008-04-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

i rarely rant online these days. apart from its being tiring, i find it tiresome as well. it's good for the first few moments of fiery passion needed to get it written, but when the emotions have cooled, the words stand as a testament of pettiness to such laughable extremes that you just want to stick your head in the ground far far away.

i think i'm learning. i finally did RANT online but! put a password to protect the entry so that the people involved, should they chance upon my words, will not have to see the full extent of my .... er, ah... rather unflattering depictions of their situations. it's a small step towards a more mature online persona, no? but just a small one, because i'd like to share it with those of you who are intrigued enough to spend time reading me in angst mode. message me and i shall happily provide the password.

i have another 3 years or so before things like this should really be non-existent! although given the kind of person i am... highly unlikely! heeee.

why this heavy weight upon my chest

2008-03-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

just a few seconds ago, i typed these words to my best friend on Yahoo Messenger: today i cried. buckets. he replied empathetically. oh my.

that's all i needed to read to know he had penetrated my abyss and embraced it whole. if you should feel like reaching out across time and space and whisper away this hurt, please do. i know (in the logical centre of my brain) that yes, this, too, will pass. for now, it's just sitting there, stolid, silent. in the middle of the brown, varnished wooden floor. the afternoon sun is behind it, casting its face in demi-shadow.

follow me here, my friends, where i need you.

winter, spring...

2008-03-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

... saka na ang summer and fall. 6 months left in belgium and the seasons are slipping away from me. i thought my last winter was all of one week long and that spring had asserted itself too early. until today.

take it away, astrud

2008-03-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

sing along with me, my dears, with (just!) two of my favourite astrud songs. i would have loved to put in "far away", her duet with chet baker, but alas, it is not a very popular song. pity. if i knew how to make these video clips, i might have put it up on you tube already! :)

it's great singing "dindi". soothing, sensual, simple. like astrud. like me.

luther's magical 7

2008-03-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

he passed away in 2005, two years after suffering a major stroke, and the music world has felt his loss keenly. that is, if you count yourself among the lovers of the kind of music luther van dross created with his smooth, silky voice, and the way he sang so easily and casually he could easily put wannabe divas to shame. you hear that, sarah geronimo and your ilk? get some danged good voice lessons pronto and stop harassing our ears!

take a breath, people, and give me 7 minutes of your time. you'll not regret it.

jacko forever

2008-03-14T01:10:00.000-07:00

in his "bad" album,one of his hit songs has the title... "i just can't stop loving you". this is exactly how i feel about him, his music, his awesome prodigious talent. in this entry, watch the video clip closely. the best part is in the middle, somewhere around the 5th minute, showing him and his sister at the 1993 grammy awards. what janet said, what he said, their beautiful sibling hug, in the excerpt shown, rocked me to the very core.

angel communication

2008-03-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

he's 2 yrs and nearly 3 months. babbling, speaking, expressing himself. to the untrained ear, it sounds like gibberish. to this mama of another son who was speaking clearly by 8 months, my younger son is a lesson in how a child living in a trilingual environment tries to grasp the rudiments of english, tagalog, and dutch in order to get his message across. it's a linguist's dream!

my older son, turning 6 this april, is grappling with the multiple layers of semantics, and his child-like incisiveness never fails to amaze me.

the mp3 for the previous entry

2008-02-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

my beloved readers! you can click HERE to listen to the mp3 of astrud's beautiful rendition of "who can i turn to". :)

but who can i turn to if you turn away?

2008-02-18T18:59:00.000-08:00

that has got to be one of my favourite astrud gilberto lines in this song (i loved this blog post of the song; you can say j cameron and i are of like mind and sentiment) check out the last line, of course --- or maybe the title suffices!).

last night, a well-meaning friend asked me, after reading THIS and THIS, "are you read to stand by all the things you wrote? aren't you scared? what if someone reads this at may pumalag?"

this was my reply: "those entries were not written to start a war; they were written at the end of one."

my friend could not understand how great the ocean of my grief has been on this drawn-out affair that i vowed to end this year. there are still remnants, though; when i remember the things they said behind my back (the 1% that i do know is hurtful enough), the tears flow once more. i've been told to spare them my tears and talents and i try to abide by such sound advice, but the heart cannot be taught to function like a switch. at least mine can't. i have a stubborn heart.

pagod na kasi akong sumikap na maintindihan pa nila. because they never will and if i think about it, it shouldn't have mattered since the beginning. their callousness tried to close down the very essence of who i am. did they mean to do it? sometimes i think the mob mentality brought it to the fore BUT i think they will never admit it openly. to anyone. ever.

they know who they are, this amorphous "they", if i ever choose to tell "them":

you've talked behind my back of petty things that belie your projected status as university students (but then PhD wannabes must be the meanest of the brood of vipers). you've judged me, not sought to know my side, thrown a stone the first instance you could.

i have reached out to you over the years and you have chosen to reject those efforts. it's your choice and though it still wounds me, i know that there is much more to life than waiting for you to understand. there is a whole world of friends and lovers in mine who would never hurt me the way i have allowed you to and enough is enough.

the age of svelterogue

2008-02-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

i'm a year older today. sleepless in belgium. sitting on the edge of an unnameable excitement.

join me HERE, my friends, and rejoice with me. anything you tell me today, good or bad or anything in between, will be gold. :)

Tennis in Rotterdam

2008-02-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

Hello would-be tennis fan! :)

I'm writing because I'd like to offer my Rotterdam ABN-Amro World Tennis tickets for you and someone else of your choice. I bought tickets for both semi-finals on Saturday, Feb 23, only to realise that I already have something else planned for that evening and I had completely forgotten about it! I bought 2 tickets for the 14.00 and the 19.00 sessions. Just so you know, Mikhail Youzhny is the defending champion at this event and this year's draw is loaded with SEVEN (!) Top 10 players: Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic, Nikolay Davydenko, Richard Gasquet, Andy Murray, and Youzhny himself. Other players included in this exciting field are Juan Carlos Ferrero, Jo-Wilfriend Tsonga (yes, that guy again!), Tomas Berdych and Janko Tipsarevic. It's so exciting that I want to shoot myself for not being able to go to the event, just 2 (!) hours away by train. Needless to say, I am crushed, and S has not allowed me to watch the semifinals at the expense of messing up my previous engagement.

If you would like to purchase these tickets from me, below are the details:

First session @ 14.00

ABN AMRO WORLD TENNIS TOURNAMENT
Ahoy
Sat, February 23, 2008 2:00 PM

Rang 2
Seat location: section BC, row 6, seat 50 to 51.
Total Charge(s): € 75.87

Second session @ 19.30

ABN AMRO WORLD TENNIS TOURNAMENT
Ahoy
Sat, February 23, 2008 7:30 PM

Rang 2
Seat location: section CF, row 5, seat 12 to 13.
Total Charge(s): € 75.87
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The total, if you get all four, would be 151,74€.

Hoping to hear from you soon,
Svelte Rogue

three in one

2006-05-14T13:26:00.000-07:00

in one afternoon, i watched two exciting sporting events and experienced one through live updates on the internet from a tennis fan and the live scoring on the official site of the rome masters (atp) final and eurosport! so for another one of my venerable lists, check out this exciting afternoon experience!

take note, all events started at 1400 hours, so i shall list them in the order of their finishing time; in other words, the first one on the list ended the earliest, the last, ending last. duhhh hehehe

fernando alonso's stirring win over michael schumacher and fellow renault driver fisichella in the spanish grand prix at the catalunya circuit, right in front of his countrymen! way to go, el matador. that was a LOT of champagne the podium winners showered on their supporters and team mates. renault is doing well in both the driver and constructor running... ferrarri, too. my kimi raikkonen finished with a respectable fifth from his starting ninth position. according to pundits and my good friend, f1 fan andy, his car is pulling him down. i doubt he'll get the championship this year.
nadia petrova's convincing and compelling victory over justine henin-hardenne at the german open in berlin, three sets!
the ace to my day... rafa's heart-stopping win over federer at the rome masters finale! five hours and 3 minutes!!! i guess you could argue that federer lost it more than rafa won it but if you saw how rafa came from behind in the fifth set and the subsequent tiebreaker, then you know that clay is definitely rafa's turf. but he better watch out because federer's learning curve on clay is frighteningly steep and fast. like nadal himself said, it'll be easier for roger to win at roland garros than it will be for him to win at wimbledon. i will have to agree with my tenacious mallorcan bull. still, i love him! i am so glad you won today...

i added some photos to the above post here

my shoulder muscles are tense

2006-05-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

three days ago i was asked to play the piano for a confirmation mass for this saturday. music-depraved and starved, i immediately said yes, especially when i was told i would be paid. *ching ching!*

two days ago i had rehearsal with the main cantor, a wonderful latino priest with a baritone voice. it was my first time to see the entire line up. after months of not playing the piano, my fingers felt like leaden chopsticks on the keyboard. something akin to panic crept into my bones. bugger.

yesterday i drove to the american college and practised in the beautiful stone chapel, alone with my thoughts, the piano books, soft golden light, and that newly tuned yamaha piano that made playing bliss. it was easier for me to remember how to roll my fingers to prevent the tension from building in my shoulders. time flew by too quickly and i had to rush home so i could make it to my appointment with my paradontologist, the gingiva-bone monster from hell.

today i practised while a host of seminarians puttered about the place, mopping the floors, arranging chairs, singing along with my playing from time to time. edmon stood by me, just within my peripheral vision, distracting me vastly. i couldn't see the notes nor hear myself play. everything else crowded out my concentration and the muscle in my right shoulder blade started to throb. wanker!

the confirmation mass is tomorrow in waterloo and i feel completely unprepared for it. i want to play confidently --- and i also want to play the notes laid out for the songs. but at the rate i'm going, i will not be able to! *crosses self*

at least i have the pay and sumptious dinner to look forward to. sweet consolation.

how to get to teeth hell

2006-05-05T01:24:00.000-07:00

there's the usual: eat sweets like there's no tomorrow, don't brush your teeth regularly, smoke, weaken your resistance so much that your body won't be able to fight off bacteria.

but there's also the most obvious sin: ignore your dentist when she teaches you how to brush your teeth and floss them properly. ignore her for a couple of years until you develop gingivitis and then worse, paradontitis. then you have to go to a specialist...

... a specialist who will poke at your gums with this sharp instrument until they start throbbing and you begin to wonder if this is the precursor to root canal in some damnable future.

... this same specialist will charge an exorbitant rate for the first evaluation session and promise even more exorbitant rates for the subsequent treatments (oh believe me, there will be more than one!à

... this branch of dental care will, of course, Not be covered by insurance

which means that my hope of getting a decent 4-megapixel digital camera with video-taking capacities will remain just a dream, or any faint hopes of going to spain, greece, or the uk will have to be snuffed out.

yaaarghhh this throbbing will go away in a month's time... at least i hope so! para naman i can eat without guilt again =)

myriad shades of gray

2006-02-16T15:46:00.000-08:00

then there is the kind of list that i couldn't put right next to this list about my beautiful baby boys...

Once upon a summertime

10 things i love about you

2006-02-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

you have such soft smooth incredibly flawless skin, i love nuzzling my nose along your cheeks and forehead
your double chin and round cheeks are irresistible, drawing me into irrevocable frenzy
your eyes open wide as they look my way pin me into frozen moments of ecstasy
your precious hands grasp mine when i run my fingers and hands lovingly along your body, especially when i give you a massage or a warm bath
your prehensile toes curl around my fingers when i rub your pink soles
your engorged belly filled with mama's wonder milk, popping out of your always-too-small pampers
your distinct hungry cry "uwaaaahhh" with the matching swinging head
the way you arch your head back and spread your arms wide in your most trusting pose and sleep secure in papa or mama's arms
you fill your onesies and rompers so quickly i am beginning to panic at how quickly you are growing bursting
your special personality that is distinct unique from papa mikka and myself --- you are definitely your own person!

let it snow let it snow let it snow

2005-11-26T06:10:00.000-08:00

aside from spring and fall, there are the other two seasons of summer and winter of western europe to consider. nothing fills me more with awe than watching snow flurries whirl crazily to the ground. and my son's excited squeals of "snow snow!!! just like in the north pole!!!" doesn't do much to calm down the excited heart. the trees haven't fully shed their leaves yet, but the balder ones are the lucky bearers of the white frozen water.

we're rehearsing some christmas carols for this new choir-for-hire 8 of us decided to form as some kind of sideline here in belgium, and one of the songs is "i'm dreaming of a white christmas". the way the winter weather has come so early this year (after a late exodus of fall, thus making for a very short transition season), we just might NOT have to dream of a snowy yuletide season.

makes me want to buckle down and write my christmas cards already.

"just like the ones i used to know... where the treetops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow (i have yet to hear sleigh bells and a genuine HO HO HO!)"

what i will miss

2005-10-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

i don't know when i will be going home to the philippines, but after nearly two years living in belgium, i have grown to love many little things about my life here that are not at all present back home, land where my heart truly lives and is happy.

i will never be a belgian citizen but i am willing to have my second son, who is due this december 25th, to claim belgian citizenship if this is allowed by their laws. i say this from a pragmatic view and from my experience as a pinoy who has travelled with my nice little green passport over the past 20+ years.

what Will i miss about life here? let me cite the ways:

mass public transport: except for some cold, wintery inconveniences and not being able to visit out-of-the-way places in europe, the mass transport system here takes away the driving need to own a car. back home, i know i will relentlessly bear on my husband to secure us a car because i think that it is a necessity. here in europe, we can get around very easily, with buggy, stroller, pram, or heavy luggage, thanks to the very efficient bus/tram/train systems in place. in belgium pa, we're luckier than our italian counterparts because you can really rely on the schedules posted at the stations and plan your life efficiently according to those timetables. what a joy!
milk products: i am a certified milk person. i have extremely enjoyed the last two years so far tasting and experimenting on different kinds of cheese, yoghurt, breakfast concoctions with muesli, and loving every morsel, bite, sip, and lick.
spring and fall: i love these in-between seasons. winter depresses me and summer is ordinary (i can have better summers in the philippines with the beach scene alone, and not have to shell out as much money as europeans do here just to enjoy sun and sand). it's the way the temperature nips at your skin and it's nicely cool and temperate. in spring, the colours begin to burst forth in the foliage and the sun gently awakens life. fall is just as tender, laying trees and hedges to rest to prepare for a time of hibernation and rejuvenation. the leaves burst into last moments of orange and red splendour and it never fails to amaze me.
hot water, indoor heating and toilet paper: they're everywhere! taken for granted here as part of the basics of life, these are only for the privileged back home.
benefits from a socialist state: i love my medical insurance, i love my family doctor, i enjoy hospital visits. my son's education is free. for the same quality back home, i would have to dish out at least 100,000 pesos a year!!! here, just around 3€ per day for his lunch. people are treated the same (in most instances, at least; you can't escape the occasional boor or bigot, though) at the post office, at the shops, at the market. rich or poor, you can avail of the same benefits from government and be secure that your health worries are taken care of by the system. no need for lagay, to know someone to ease your way; things are easy here, anyway.
pedestrian crossings: my son calls these by their flemish name, "zebrapad", and we cross streets with impunity and hardly any fear. cars, buses, taxis will almost always stop to allow you across the street, even if you're just about to step off the pavement. (again, there is the occasional asshole who will cut you and make you want to give the finger, but then again, maybe i've just become spoiled by the driver courtesy everywhere in this tiny country) i love it that i can teach my son that there is a safe way for him to cross a busy street, that the red man and green man in traffic lights mean something in this country.

you can count on me to add to this list as my days here increase. but for now, these are all i can think of. (08 oct 2005)

scratching from my list

2005-06-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

pruning time! the twigs have been severed from my lissom luscious svelte self. just to remind myself to NEVER let this happen again, i'm listing the uglies of cyberlife in this entry.

never again...

will i trust cyberfriends with anything i know
will i trust actual people i've met in real life who offer cyberspace freebies
will i associate closely with any cyber person
will i go to blogs i can't stomach (to reiterate: never jamais nooit)
will i agree to meet someone i've never met before (this is closely tied to the first point)
will i disbelieve my jvp partner when she tells me who in our batch hides a mean streak (grabe galing niya she's so right)
will i tolerate ignoramuses who think they know me when their IQ is smaller than a squashed gnat's soul (if there is any)

these reminders are like those posters you put on your bedroom door in dormitories to remind yourself of the important things.

i will try to be more positive in my next list. i just think this not so nice post has to be written --- for my sake, of course! you judgemental eyes out there, go scratch your crotch.

back to the future

2005-03-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

if i had known 5 years ago what i know today, i would have studied music sooner and gotten out of ateneo for good. (ISM pays better. but no career track there. not for pinoys anyhow.)
if i had known 3 years ago that i would someday be in belgium, i would have learned dutch (somehow, ok, somehow) and brushed up on my french
if i had known 2 years ago how frail i could be apart from my one true thing, i would have endeavored to be strong in the face of temptation and adversity
if i had known 1 year ago that friendship can never be forced, i would not have wept over the loss of friendships from people who were never really friends to me
if i had known that i would not see someone for the next 2.. 3.. 4 months, i would have embraced him more tightly, more frequently, and listened to him more. even if i don't understand a thing about scottish-gaelic or german.
if i had known i would be injured each year that i've been in europe, i would have developed more discipline in doing sit ups in bed and doing other home-based calisthenics
if i had known that it would be difficult to find a dojo for aikido and katori here in belgium, i would have trained more often and more seriously back home. even if the sensei and other senior belts did not embody the ideals of the martial art they boasted to be experts in.
if i had known that linguistics would be such a drudgery, i would have shelved my ego and NOT have applied for the program.
if i had known that linguistics would be such a drag but that i would meet fantastic people (some to be friends for a lifetime, like D and T) i might have gone on and enrolled in the program, anyway
if i had known that embracing the now --- being too much into carpe diem --- could get me into deep shit, i would not have risked as much as i have. really.
if i had realised the extent of my being homesick, i would have spent more brushing up on IT and burning dvds and cd's for the terribly long days away from everyone dear and near
if i had known how unfriendly my colleagues in ateneo were, i would have left ateneo. now, only my son keeps me there still. i don't know if they still want me there.
if i had known that my being kengkoy and boyish would entrap me into a mould that have others seeing me as irresponsible and ditzy, i would have learned how to be hypocritical. i'm too old to be thus; so i suffer in silence. and hope that those who are truly my friends will know i'm not at all that way.

the hebrides

2004-12-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

back-biting hurts
unfair acts and thoughts bother me
i seek too much affirmation
affection makes my day
sing me a song and you're forever in my hard drive
run a mile and i'll run alongside you for life
look me in the eye; we connect better that way
don't look me in the eye and fear me
i am no beauty (someone once said, "you're no paragon of beauty")
my pheromones are powerful
i enjoy a good laugh (read: boisterous)
evocative and imagist: my kind of poetry (haiku!)
cloudy days were made for me
sunny days, redundance
i'm all angles and edges -- take it any way you like!
i am the ocean of the marianas trench
i am the mollusk with a thousand swirls
multiple worlds define my existence
strange factoid: i always thought it was normal to see people naked in my mind's eye
another one: i always thought it normal to hear be able to listen to multiple sounds simultaneously
underdogs have me
your deep deep voice moves me
love is mystery
there is a place for awe and wonder
celtic music haunts me
inverness: wait for me
aryans frighten me
yes, i see now. there is no such thing as race.
black is beautiful
the god of small things lives. i am she.
do not silence me for you kill me
you cannot silence me
because i will live forever

100 Sex Tips

2004-11-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

HAHA! Now that I have your attention, journey with me as I try to focus on my life’s path, as sade puts it, in 100 points. (*edited last on 18 march 2005)

1. i am the 3rd child of 4; I’m the 2nd girl of two. here’s our pecking order: girl, boy, girl (moi), boy.
2. i used to be a starbucks girl, despite my not being a coffee aficionado. of course it's all image! i eventually shifted to figaro, the local version of starbs.
3. my dad gave me 2 names, both Russian in origin. The first one was taken from his favorite film that time, a boris Pasternak classic; the second name was that of my older sister who died when she was only 21 days old. she is buried under our home in marikina city.
4. I was born in early February, the age of aquarius! (when the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with mars. Then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars!)
5. when I was a month and 2 days old, we moved into our permanent home. I’m practically as old as our house!
6. I started school at 4. went through 1 nursery school and 2 kindergartens.
7. I knew how to read before entering first grade. (back then, that was something of a “wow” thing; today, kids are reading at 2! Blame it on all those competitive pre-schools with all the brainy Chinese kids) i do remember being some kind of an SRA whiz in 4th and 5th grade. hehehe, pinilit pa ano.
8. i used to smoke, but only when i didn't have someone to talk to or i needed to make my amats go down.
9. I spent 5 years in an all-girl’s school. I was the kilabot of the girls then; as young as 10, I was being courted by fellow paulinians and described as “ang gwapo!” (nyeah-ha-ha!)
10. I was holding hands with my first ever crush, “zeus” (whattaname!) in maryknoll child study center, on a field trip to the wild life zoo on quezon ave., formerly known as quezon blvd. start 'em young, i say.
11. I have a small immediate family circle: in total, I have only 11 first cousins from both sides (3 on my mommy’s side; 8 on my father’s).
12. if there were a reward for “most dysfunctional family”, I’m pretty sure my family would end up in the final cut.
13. I have the most experienced kuya in the world; I have yet to meet someone who can rival his life experiences. Because of him, I am immune to anything shocking.
14. I had my first ligaw when I was 12. he later turned out to be an embezzler. he's now on the run.
15. I was a Filipino scholar for 7 years in the most expensive school (at the time). i nearly lost my scholarship in my 6th year. i made up for it in my senior year by getting kick-ass grades. still, because of my dismal junior year performance, ateneo said i wasn't eligible for the merit scholarships. hmph. the ego was crushed!
16. at one time or another, I was a promising gymnast, fencer, judo person, runner, and aikido person. Note: operative word is “promising”.
17. I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. that lasted all of one month and three days. I was his trophy; he was my first kiss. He was lucky he got me; i wasn't (it was a horrid first kiss). He was cute, though, but the only thing he could do well was dance new wave. I don’t know where he is today.
18. my 2nd boyfriend was my first real love. He was my guitar teacher and 4 years older than me. He taught me how to commute from makati to marikina. Uso pa love bus non. He taught me the ins and outs of cubao. Because of me, he became a member of the national karate team. He was cute and ultra talented. I broke up with him because my dad thought I was too young to be tied down. I was 15 then. Looking back, sometimes, I wish I had never let him go. But what did I know then, right? I guess he became one of my best memories in the art of love and relationships.
19. my 3rd boyfriend was my ego relationship. He was a freshman in a hotshot university; I was a senior in a hotshot high school (or so the image pundits say). What a beautiful pair we made! But we lasted all of one month and twelve days; he kept talking about his former crush from st paul qc, this damn achiever of sorts who reminded me of a pygmy version of wonder woman. there was also no fizz between us. (ego nga e) Years later, I would come to the irrevocable conclusion that he was gay. He’s now this hotshot advertising guy with a swank office in makati and cool parking in the philam building. He has a kid and he’ll never realize he’s gay, which is why he’ll never get married.
20. my 4th boyfriend was my high school classmate. He was my leading man in our school play. We were on and off for 2-3 years and we remain wonderful friends to this day. He would sponsor our choir post-concert cast parties at his bar on bohol avenue. Why didn’t we work out? Maybe because he over-analysed me and was always trying to second guess me. In one word? Disconcerting. We’re better off as friends. It raises the ante of my having cool and smart friends, besides.
21. my 5th boyfriend was my longest boyfriend ever. He would know me better than anyone in the world. On and off, we lasted 5 years over a spread of 9 years. As of this date, he is one of my best friends in the world. Our friendship is now 13 years old.
22. my 6th boyfriend was probably the 2nd time in my life I had ever loved completely. He was bad news. It was a relationship doomed to fail. We lasted all of 5 months. He broke up with me and three weeks later married his ex girlfriend to spite me. You can read more about him in my may 13 entry.
23. my 7th boyfriend was a secular seminarian at the time. He was short, dark, and anal-retentive. He broke up with me after I got back from Europe in 1998. the reason he cited was that i had cut off all my gorgeous long hair in favor of a boyish look. There we were in some expensive resto in makati, he telling me that his family and friends didn’t "approve" of us. I would learn later on he was having an “affair” with his childhood sweetheart. And oh, she had nice long hair.
24. my 8th boyfriend was Chinese. We lasted for all of 5 days but would be on and off for 6 months after that. He just wanted to have fun, he said. If his mother found out about us, he would be disowned from his ‘mana’. Well, I told him, I’m too old to play footsies, so you can keep your mana or you can keep me. He decided to keep his mana. he's a very wise man.
25. my 9th boyfriend was the one I said ‘I do’ to more than 3 1/2 years ago. One month after I met him, all of me knew he was ‘the one’. Of course no one believed me, not even my fiancé that time. My family ignored me for 5 months; I lost weight and got so ickily ugly. But my war of attrition declared me winner. We got married 10 months after our first meeting. Why wait?
26. I had a wonderful honeymoon in Puerto princesa, palawan. Because of my JVP connections, we spent a week doing all the cool things plus more on a very low budget. Had we done the package tour way, we would have had a 3-day honeymoon. JVP: just visiting the Philippines!
27. 3 days into our honeymoon, the attack on malacanang by the dissident erap-supporters happened.
28. speaking of edsa revolutions, I was part of edsa 1986 and edsa 2001. in edsa 1986, I went in search of tanks amidst a soiree and carnival atmosphere. What the hey, I was in my mid-teens, my hormones were raging, and there were soldiers to defeat! in 2001, my then soon-to-be husband and i were among the first ones at the shrine, right after the tessie oreta dance and the legarda tears (damn them both). when everyone else was flocking to the shrine 3-4 days later to party, we got bored and went home.
29. kris aquino was my classmate in 7th grade. We were groupmates in a music project where we had to dance to “karma chameleon”. This is the secret reason why I root for her even if my colleagues in ateneo and all my pa-konyo relatives are so ticked off by her. I want her to succeed and show the world the intelligent girl she is who sat next to me in social studies and music with mrs. Kaplan. Even then, she really could not sing or dance. and she already talked that way.
30. other showbiz schoolmates I saw walking in the hallways like ordinary citizens included sharon cuneta and pops fernandez. There was also nino muhlach. Many of my pinoy classmates now grace the covers of who’s who in the society pages.
31. I went to a catholic university after 7 years in a secular middle/high school. All my barkada was in the state U and I was already bent on going there to get away from my dad. But the deciding factor was my search for theology & philosophy, which the state U did not have. Theology was only part of 2 humanities subjects classified under general education.
32. I started my MA in English literature and language teaching after one year in the corporate world. Then, my reason for studying again was my need to get a life apart from all the soshi-ness of the workplace. it would turn out to be one of the best decisions i ever made in my life. because of the timing of my resignation from that corporate job, i found myself on a plane to england barely a year later!
33. I always knew I was a teacher at heart. a good one at that. :)
34. my first ever teacher was my father. What a smart, smart man! Well-read, nerdy, informed, sharp, analytical, objective. His motto: justice before love.
35. I was my mother’s problematic child. She didn’t know what to do with me. I understood this in my younger years to mean that she loved me least. Today I realise how naïve that view was. She emailed my husband recently and told him that as a mother, she tends to look for the child who’s missing. She was referring to the photos of my siblings earlier this year; they had had a reunion in las vegas with their kids and i was the only one not there. Mommy, of course, couldn’t know that she was describing how I had felt all those years I was growing up.
36. I would say I had a pretty much upper middle class childhood.
37. my first time abroad was when I was 11. it was my reward for becoming a Filipino scholar. From that moment on, any time I went abroad, I had to deserve it by virtue of academic excellence. my other sibs would be able to go abroad for reasons like "just graduated", "have to get away from my life here", "have to get over a breakup with a boyfriend", or simply "have not yet traveled".
38. I’ve been lucky enough to have gone to these continents abroad: around some asian spots (not those i want to see badly, though), europe, north america, australia.
39. for love of traveling, i would willingly take on another citizenship. just for that.
40. i've seen quite a lot of places in the philippines, thanks to my telecoms job, my training stints, and to my adventurous mother who wants a companion when she goes off on one of her star-chasing trips.
41. I had my first fling during the sinulog of cebu in 1994. I have learned since that flings are never flings for a woman like me. Somehow, my heart has this funny way of getting involved.
42. i have always thought that sex was overrated. but when you're in love, it can be the best thing in the world!
43. of all the roles a woman can play in a relationship, I have been the first woman, the other woman, the woman torn between lovers (sometimes more than 2), one of the squabbling women (awful role! This is the only role where I’m sure the guy doesn’t love me enough).
44. men have been known to misinterpret my outgoing nature as being easy-to-get. This perception has gotten me into so many painful situations, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
45. had I been in the state U, my course would have been business economics (and i would have taken that with one of my all-time crushes. maybe god had a better plan for me). after spending too many years in the bird-gymmed university next to the state U, i finally enrolled in the state U (redundant, diba???) in the program of my dreams.
46. I was on the dance team, choir, and theater in high school. I was also part of the honor society (default because of my scholarship), the mabuhay club (welcoming committee!), and the Philippine cultural club (mr acuna forever!)
47. all the men I fell in love with in high school fell in love with my best friend and co-scholar that time, darn it! She was the beauty and brains, I was the… clown?
48. no matter how old i get, i will be forever makulet.
49. I nearly died 2 years ago because of a severe asthma attack.
50. i drink any kind of alchohol except gin (traydor 'to!): beer. wine. vodka. tequila - with or without the worm. scotch - single malt or blended. but i don't drink soda or cola.
51. my father taught me how to drink when I was 12. he said that guys would try to trick and deceive me so he might as well equip me for that time. Unbeknownst to us both, men would find other ways to trick me. We neglected the other life lessons that other people had.
52. I had therapy last year. I’m glad I did. Otherwise I would have been a royal mess here in Belgium.
53. right after college, I became a Jesuit volunteer. i think my jvp year was one of the best years of my life. i would never exchange that one year for anything in this lifetime.
54. I was part of a youth charismatic group when I was 16. amen!
55. I used to conceal the name of my high school from my peers when I was a teenager because I thought that my manliligaws liked me only because of my school (partly true only).
56. my older sister does not know how to love me. but i know she does.
57. I breastfed my son for 8 months. He weaned himself from me. One day, he just decided he had had enough of my milk. He was pretty much the same with other milestones in his baby life. He decided his first time to pee, his first time to drink from the glass and not from the bottle. Things like those.
58. my husband is the best thing in the world to happen to me. he is my one true thing.
59. my kuya used to call me “panget”. I really believed I was ugly until I was around 15. now, more than 15 years later, I am still learning to call myself "ganda".
60. I was a tomboy in my childhood years. All my barkada were male and I was also sandwiched between two brothers. I remember my kuya kicking me on the hip with the words, “kung hindi mo tanggaling yang kembot mo, hindi ka makakasama sa amin!” so I got rid of that sway in no time at all! i wrote letters for my guy friends and those letters got them their girlfriends! of course, their relationship didn't last. talent like mine is rare and hard to spot if you're only pretending to have it. nyeah-haha!
61. I’ve been involved in boxing matches (with gloves) with my kuya as manager. That means he made money off bets he had his friends place. Odds were higher in my favor because I was a girl. and I won most of the time so the winnings were high. i never saw the money, of course. but i did get a mirinda or mountain dew for my efforts.
62. I started my choir career when I was 10. I became musical director of several choirs in the next 20 years. I was also part of all the choirs in the schools i attended. Music is really in my blood! today i'm the de facto musical director of the el shaddai gospel choir in brussels.
63. for our wedding, my husband took care of the liturgy while I took care of the music. It was a perfect combination. We also both agreed that the liturgy was central; everything else was peripheral, even if the reception cost 90% of the total wedding expenses.
64. I had a totally low-cost wedding that looked expensive because I didn’t hire any professional anyones except the quartet who played at the mass and reception. all services were done by very good friends. i even edited my own wedding tape! :)
65. I was swimming in a bikini when I was 8 months pregnant. In fact, I was outswimming my husband in the pool, doing 40 laps to his 10. that would be the only time i had the guts to wear my dream bikini.
66. perhaps the singularly most important thing in my life is music.
67. the first tier around the musical core includes: sports, books, friends.
68. I’ve recently discovered that I can write. I’ve always wanted to write. not just write, but publish an anthology of nonfiction essays on what it means to be a woman in the Philippines.
69. I subscribe to the idea that you have to be a whore in bed so that your man never has to use the polygamy reason ever. And so far, no one ever has. *wink*
70. I’ve had ballet lessons, jazz lessons, ballroom dancing lessons, and pangalay lessons in my life. I’ve enjoyed myself in all endeavors. Maybe I should modify what I said in number 62. I love dance over singing. But since I’m too old to dance the way I used to, and I sing better now than I used to, then age alters the priorities a bit.
71. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty darn good driver. I’ve been driving since I was 12. My husband is immensely relieved that I don’t drive in Europe. If I did, I’d probably be one of the autobahn/motorway inner-lane need-for-speed maniacs.
72. I’ve been propositioned by married and otherwise committed men in the past.
73. my ideal home would be or have the following: near the ocean, away from too much pollution, not in manila, with a sprawling lawn, a piano, tons of books, my collection of cd’s, vcd’s, and dvd’s, a section for just sports wear and gear.
74. I still want to go to the following places: Russia, Scandinavia, Mainland Asia, Africa, South America.
75. I had many MU’s (mutual understanding relationships) in between my official relationships.
76. i miss my mom and dad so much. in fact, i miss being part of a family where i'm just someone's kid, someone's sister.
77. I know many many people but have only a small circle of very true and good friends.
78. I’ve had the same best friend for more than 5 years now.
79. when we were kids, I had a barkada of cousins: me, my brother, and 2 other cousins the same age as we. I would direct all our let’s pretend games, choreograph all our dances, conceptualise all our programs. Perhaps the best memory is when we formed our own justice league. I assigned pipa to be wonder woman, my brother lee to be apache, and my cousin mike to be aquaman. When they asked me why they couldn’t be superman, green lantern, or flash, I told them that those heroes were already taken. By whom? They asked. Well, I said with confidence, by me! I was known as Super Green Flash. Eegad! I had to have it all! mwahahaha
80. I started reading nancy drew books when I was 7. by 9 I was on mills and boon. I was reading Sheldon and steele by 11. that explains why I was screwed up til my 20s. I really believed a man would come to sweep me off my feet. And when boyfriend in number 22 did come with his forceful ways, I didn’t know that he was bad news and that I should have made sure he didn’t get his hands on the edge of the rug beneath my feet.
81. my son means the world to me. He and my husband are the two most precious persons in my life.
82. they say I’m “kaladkarin”. Taken positively, this means that I can go anywhere anytime anyhow. That might explain why I enjoy traveling.
83. my mom believes that wealth is measured by the exposure one gets through traveling rather than by the number of clothes or cars or jewelry one owns.
84. I was managing my own bank account by the age of 12. that was the year BPI came out with the first ATMs in the Philippines. I considered it an honor to be given the chance to be in charge of my finances.
85. after graduation from college, I got very little financial support from my parents. When I was applying for my only corporate job, I used money I had saved while babysitting in the united states.
86. family and friends say I fall in love too easily. Sometimes I think that’s true. I think it’s because I tend to be gullible and believe that people are innately good and that they couldn’t possibly harm others. Talk about deluded.
87. I used to have a fetish for Japanese men. Until one particular fling in London with a married Japanese man who thought I was like the pinays he had met in Japanese karaoke bars. Me, a japayuki! Aba, puede.
88. if I had been a guy, I would have figured in many fistfights in my youth.
89. I used to be part of a gang of bmx boys who would “make rampa” in a secluded part of our village. I remember losing a tooth when the bike I was riding on (my cousin mike’s) “made semplang” and I was sprawled on the ground, dirt in my mouth and my mom’s bday gift of a watch broken from the impact.
90. I’ve had more than 10 pairs of eyeglasses in my life. I have this nasty habit of putting them in my pants pockets, my polo pockets, my coat pockets. Those aren’t the most hospitable of places for spectacles, I believe.
91. my singular luho when it comes to girlie things is my skin. I am a dermalogica fanatic. I think I have their complete line of skin products. I have the face wash, the microfoliant, the toner, the moisturizer, the booster, the eye care, the facial brush, the buff cloth, the conditioning body wash, the body lotion. After every bath, I feel like a dermalogica model.
92. sometimes, when I run or play badminton, I feel like a nike model. I would not hesitate to blow away thousands of bucks on nike apparel. Here in Europe, I don’t mind spending on Columbia, lafuma, adidas.
93. when I drive, the Jekyll in me takes over. I cut, I swerve, I do counterflows, I give the finger, I curse, I make gitgit kupal drivers. My friends close their eyes when I drive, my boyfriends pray they don’t have to get into a fight because of my angas, but my officemates know they’ll get to work in time if they decide to put their lives in my hands. Driving record? No accidents ever that I’ve caused except some minor side-mirror swipes.
94. I’ve never had SOP. i also never had the habit of staring at a guy's crotch the way my other girlfriends did. :)
95. I used to have tons and tons of diaries when I was a little girl. I wrote down tons and tons of stories in those diaries. both real and imaginary.
96. I was always the kind of leader who inspires. Lately, I’ve learned to become the kind of leader who empowers.
97. my dad says we’re very alike except for one thing. I have compassion.
98. I am my mother’s junior. I think my husband and father will attest to that vociferously.
99. I prefer hugs to kisses.
100. I don’t regret all the times I fell in love. good or bad. in the end, marami pa rin ako natikman! voila...